Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
3 of 30 - My Parents - Mom and Dennis
I luckily... have 4 parental units. Some may see that as a bad thing. But I always thought of it as a good thing. Yes, it sucks that my parents divorced when I was a mere 4 years old. But it was for the better. They weren't right for each other... and they were young. It happens... and it also makes me more cautious about jumping into anything too quickly.
I guess I will go through them one by one and that will make it easier so I'm not jumping all over the place. But I will probably jump all over the place while describing how I feel about them.
Mom-
From the stories she's told me I've always been a Momma's girl. I was such a timid child and didn't want to be around people I wasn't comfortable around. Especially men that I didn't know. I would always run back to my mom and cry or hide. Who knows if that's because I don't ever remember my mom and dad together or some other deep seeded thing. I guess I was always just scared and not outgoing like her and Julie are. I felt closer to her when I was younger before she married Dennis because it was just the three of us all the time. I am definitely her daughter, I catch myself talking like her sometimes...which kinda scares me. She's a great mother. That's what I believe she was meant to do. She makes me crazy but I love her. I can only stand her in small doses. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. How can you not like your mom as a person? Why does it have to be like that? I wish I could connect with her... but I just can't. Or maybe it's that I don't want to. As we get older we start to see our parents as real people and I think that's when we can decide if we like them as people or not. Before you just assume that you like your parents because you love them. But that doesn't have to be the case. I don't like Julie either (more explained in the next one with the sibling) but I love her. They are family and I would still do anything for them. I hold some resentment toward my mom because I don't think she ever pushed me to achieve anything great. Being mediocre was just fine. Passing along and not being noticed for anything was ok... just blending in with the crowd was an ok way to go through life. I disagree. In high school she never asked what I wanted to do when I 'grew up' ... never asked if I had any intentions of going to college or pursuing anything. Never asked what my dreams were and how she could help me reach them. We weren't involved with many activities. We were in band at Scotten and Gilmore but it just seemed like a hassle more than anything. As much as I would have been embarrassed that my mom was volunteering to help out with school functions... it would have been nice for her to offer. I almost was jealous at the parents that seemed to be so involved with their kids lives. I remember having to wait alone while everyone else got picked up by their parents on time. I seemed to miss out on opportunities because she never knew what was going on in the school at the time. I would bring home things that informed her of stuff and I know she didn't read them. It affected my social life too.I think that if my mom was involved with the community or even cared to know any of my friend's parents I could have had been more involved with things. Whenever I heard of something cool I would bring it up to her and get the yay or nay but still.. I just wish she would have been looking for something for me to be involved with... who knows you better before you know yourself other than your parents. When you're trying to figure out what kind of person you are your parents should be a guide in your life. Offering advice and guidance and encouragement. I don't remember getting anything like that. And I really wish I did. I can't blame her entirely. She didn't have anything like that in her life. We were much better off than she ever was in her childhood. My grandma is crazy and they had a crappy and crazy upbringing from the stories that I've heard. But don't you want to improve with your own children? It's not all financial and I think that's what she focused on. She also has some problems... and you can't talk to her about them. Addictions more so I guess you could say. She's a functioning alcoholic hiding behind another semi-functioning alcoholic. She watched her father die from this crap and still does it. I just don't understand. She ruining her body and mind and is heading down the path where she won't be seeing her grandchildren since I'm not planning on any anytime soon. I remember in high school almost moving in with my dad my senior year... I was sick of it all with her. But a lot of that was just teenage angst.
She really is the sweetest woman ever and doesn't really have a evil bone in her body. she always puts her own needs aside before taking care of herself. She is physically strong and will always do things herself and I can admire her for getting through life with all the crap that she had to go through. She had a tough childhood and I'm really not sure if she even graduated high school. She's good with people... but not books smart... I think I got that from her too. She managed though. She raised me and Julie with child support from my dad and worked her ass off to make sure we were always happy. And I always remember being happy as a child. She worked her way from the bottom of every job she had and now is fairly successful and has been with the same bank for 10+ years.
She was always very good at sheltering us from all the bad stuff that was going on. Almost too much though... I felt that I am missing on important stuff in the family because she was so good at hiding anything unpleasant. I didn't know that my dad's mom was buried in the graveyard across the street from Scotten and Gilmore until I moved away down to Rocklin... or maybe even after Ryan and I moved in together when Kristina told me. I had always had a fascination with her and my mom never told me that I could go to her grave and get the closest I ever would be to her! Ugh.
I think she tries really hard to connect to me too.... but fails. She doesn't follow through. A while back I was reading a book and told her to read it too and then we went and saw the movie together and were able to talk about it and it was really cool... and then I told her to choose the next book or movie or whatever and that never happened. Can't say I never tried.
This is really just scratching the surface. I love her for helping me become the person I am today...and having me look at myself more critically to have me stop from ending up like her.... I hope that's not as bad as it sounds.
Dennis-
I remember being so excited about this new guy my mom was dating... he had 2 kids! haha. I never really saw it being a bad thing when my mom and dad dated people... as long as they had kids for me to play with.... I was cool with them. The problem I did start to have when it seemed to get serious and that it was possible I was going to lose my mom to a guy. I remember crying at their wedding... as much as I wanted it to happen for my own selfish reasons so I could have Ashley and Brittney as sisters, I didn't. I knew things would change and I felt so close to Julie and my mom at this point. I didn't mean to start off with bad things but I'm just thinking of the first things I remember.
He is such a big kid. He was always into the new and upcoming things... he would talk to me like an adult. He likes music loud and trying to teach his girls how to be tough. I know he felt closer to me ever than he did to Julie. But I don't think Julie gave him much of a chance. He loved so much that we played paintball and was super proud of us. He was always trying to be the cool dad... which sometimes worked and other times embarrassed us. He is a great man and always means well.
I'm so scared for him right now. He is destroying his body and mind with alcohol. And I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. This makes me wish I was still living at home. But from what I've learned in the past is that my mom and Dennis do not treat their children as adults. Our opinions are still a child's opinion and doesn't matter even though we are all well into our 20s.
I love him with all my heart and wish I could do something more. I feel so helpless and selfish because I'm trying to live my own life and figure out what's going on with what I want.
Dad and Judy will be on the next round....
I guess I will go through them one by one and that will make it easier so I'm not jumping all over the place. But I will probably jump all over the place while describing how I feel about them.
Mom-
From the stories she's told me I've always been a Momma's girl. I was such a timid child and didn't want to be around people I wasn't comfortable around. Especially men that I didn't know. I would always run back to my mom and cry or hide. Who knows if that's because I don't ever remember my mom and dad together or some other deep seeded thing. I guess I was always just scared and not outgoing like her and Julie are. I felt closer to her when I was younger before she married Dennis because it was just the three of us all the time. I am definitely her daughter, I catch myself talking like her sometimes...which kinda scares me. She's a great mother. That's what I believe she was meant to do. She makes me crazy but I love her. I can only stand her in small doses. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. How can you not like your mom as a person? Why does it have to be like that? I wish I could connect with her... but I just can't. Or maybe it's that I don't want to. As we get older we start to see our parents as real people and I think that's when we can decide if we like them as people or not. Before you just assume that you like your parents because you love them. But that doesn't have to be the case. I don't like Julie either (more explained in the next one with the sibling) but I love her. They are family and I would still do anything for them. I hold some resentment toward my mom because I don't think she ever pushed me to achieve anything great. Being mediocre was just fine. Passing along and not being noticed for anything was ok... just blending in with the crowd was an ok way to go through life. I disagree. In high school she never asked what I wanted to do when I 'grew up' ... never asked if I had any intentions of going to college or pursuing anything. Never asked what my dreams were and how she could help me reach them. We weren't involved with many activities. We were in band at Scotten and Gilmore but it just seemed like a hassle more than anything. As much as I would have been embarrassed that my mom was volunteering to help out with school functions... it would have been nice for her to offer. I almost was jealous at the parents that seemed to be so involved with their kids lives. I remember having to wait alone while everyone else got picked up by their parents on time. I seemed to miss out on opportunities because she never knew what was going on in the school at the time. I would bring home things that informed her of stuff and I know she didn't read them. It affected my social life too.I think that if my mom was involved with the community or even cared to know any of my friend's parents I could have had been more involved with things. Whenever I heard of something cool I would bring it up to her and get the yay or nay but still.. I just wish she would have been looking for something for me to be involved with... who knows you better before you know yourself other than your parents. When you're trying to figure out what kind of person you are your parents should be a guide in your life. Offering advice and guidance and encouragement. I don't remember getting anything like that. And I really wish I did. I can't blame her entirely. She didn't have anything like that in her life. We were much better off than she ever was in her childhood. My grandma is crazy and they had a crappy and crazy upbringing from the stories that I've heard. But don't you want to improve with your own children? It's not all financial and I think that's what she focused on. She also has some problems... and you can't talk to her about them. Addictions more so I guess you could say. She's a functioning alcoholic hiding behind another semi-functioning alcoholic. She watched her father die from this crap and still does it. I just don't understand. She ruining her body and mind and is heading down the path where she won't be seeing her grandchildren since I'm not planning on any anytime soon. I remember in high school almost moving in with my dad my senior year... I was sick of it all with her. But a lot of that was just teenage angst.
She really is the sweetest woman ever and doesn't really have a evil bone in her body. she always puts her own needs aside before taking care of herself. She is physically strong and will always do things herself and I can admire her for getting through life with all the crap that she had to go through. She had a tough childhood and I'm really not sure if she even graduated high school. She's good with people... but not books smart... I think I got that from her too. She managed though. She raised me and Julie with child support from my dad and worked her ass off to make sure we were always happy. And I always remember being happy as a child. She worked her way from the bottom of every job she had and now is fairly successful and has been with the same bank for 10+ years.
She was always very good at sheltering us from all the bad stuff that was going on. Almost too much though... I felt that I am missing on important stuff in the family because she was so good at hiding anything unpleasant. I didn't know that my dad's mom was buried in the graveyard across the street from Scotten and Gilmore until I moved away down to Rocklin... or maybe even after Ryan and I moved in together when Kristina told me. I had always had a fascination with her and my mom never told me that I could go to her grave and get the closest I ever would be to her! Ugh.
I think she tries really hard to connect to me too.... but fails. She doesn't follow through. A while back I was reading a book and told her to read it too and then we went and saw the movie together and were able to talk about it and it was really cool... and then I told her to choose the next book or movie or whatever and that never happened. Can't say I never tried.
This is really just scratching the surface. I love her for helping me become the person I am today...and having me look at myself more critically to have me stop from ending up like her.... I hope that's not as bad as it sounds.
Dennis-
I remember being so excited about this new guy my mom was dating... he had 2 kids! haha. I never really saw it being a bad thing when my mom and dad dated people... as long as they had kids for me to play with.... I was cool with them. The problem I did start to have when it seemed to get serious and that it was possible I was going to lose my mom to a guy. I remember crying at their wedding... as much as I wanted it to happen for my own selfish reasons so I could have Ashley and Brittney as sisters, I didn't. I knew things would change and I felt so close to Julie and my mom at this point. I didn't mean to start off with bad things but I'm just thinking of the first things I remember.
He is such a big kid. He was always into the new and upcoming things... he would talk to me like an adult. He likes music loud and trying to teach his girls how to be tough. I know he felt closer to me ever than he did to Julie. But I don't think Julie gave him much of a chance. He loved so much that we played paintball and was super proud of us. He was always trying to be the cool dad... which sometimes worked and other times embarrassed us. He is a great man and always means well.
I'm so scared for him right now. He is destroying his body and mind with alcohol. And I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. This makes me wish I was still living at home. But from what I've learned in the past is that my mom and Dennis do not treat their children as adults. Our opinions are still a child's opinion and doesn't matter even though we are all well into our 20s.
I love him with all my heart and wish I could do something more. I feel so helpless and selfish because I'm trying to live my own life and figure out what's going on with what I want.
Dad and Judy will be on the next round....
Sunday, August 8, 2010
this is harder than i thought
writing about my parents... i've had hardcore writers block
maybe tomorrow... it's almost 3am... bedtime for sure
i say... good day!
maybe tomorrow... it's almost 3am... bedtime for sure
i say... good day!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
2 of 30 — Your Crush
Crush? Oh my this seems juvenile but I think we go throughout life having these no matter how old we get... here I go talking about how old I am.... I'm turning 25 next month... give me a break!? I feel so old!
There have been so so many crushes I've had in my lifetime. The first I remember was a kid named Phillip in 1st grade... never knew what happened to him. I remember... Chris Brown, Daniel Allen.... Clint, Chris Foutch, Brent Hanson (the older guy! haha he was in 8th when I was in 6th) Adam Grow, Greyson...Matt Hamer, just to name a few...
Adam Litke... probably the biggest crush I ever had without anything happening between us. I was so stupid crushing over him for the longest time. I should have gotten the hint a long time before but I always thought there was a chance... didn't help it was in my most awkward stage of my life ever.... from like 12-15 was so so awkward... I think for everyone there is that stage and mine was pretty epic... Glasses braces broken arms acne and feeling like the fattest thing to walk around. Yep. Awesome.
There was something different about Adam that made me think that I actually had a chance with him. Maybe because he was a little shorter than most guys and wasn't the greatest looking... I always thought he was super cute. He was funny and we had a lot of things in common. I'm sure he was so miserable when we had almost the same schedule in 8th grade. haha. We used to joke around all the time and we were in band together and yeah it seemed to be the start of a great relationship haha. Every dance at Lyman Gilmore I usually got a dance with him and I could just walk on clouds afterwards. Freshman year I asked him to go to Homecoming with me and he told me yes. I was crazy excited... couldn't believe something like this was actually happening to me. Couple of days later he called to tell me that he and his friends were just going to go but he would save a dance for me. I was sad, but glad he didn't stand me up and also was saving a dance for me. He kept his promise and I was still all googly eyed for him. Later on (Junior Year maybe...) I found out he told me no because he was taking another girl....at that point I had mostly gotten over my crush so I was glad it was later that I found out or I would have been crushed. I wonder what would have happened if we would have dated... I doubt it would have lasted. But still... it's just one of those things.
I saw him a couple times after we graduated high school in Rocklin (he went to sierra college i think for a little while) and he would stop and be friendly and chit chat and that was always nice and still to this day the sound of his name makes my stomach fluttery... it's stupid but it meant so much to me then that I can still have the same feelings run through my blood.
I guess I'm just crushed for life... haha
There have been so so many crushes I've had in my lifetime. The first I remember was a kid named Phillip in 1st grade... never knew what happened to him. I remember... Chris Brown, Daniel Allen.... Clint, Chris Foutch, Brent Hanson (the older guy! haha he was in 8th when I was in 6th) Adam Grow, Greyson...Matt Hamer, just to name a few...
Adam Litke... probably the biggest crush I ever had without anything happening between us. I was so stupid crushing over him for the longest time. I should have gotten the hint a long time before but I always thought there was a chance... didn't help it was in my most awkward stage of my life ever.... from like 12-15 was so so awkward... I think for everyone there is that stage and mine was pretty epic... Glasses braces broken arms acne and feeling like the fattest thing to walk around. Yep. Awesome.
I saw him a couple times after we graduated high school in Rocklin (he went to sierra college i think for a little while) and he would stop and be friendly and chit chat and that was always nice and still to this day the sound of his name makes my stomach fluttery... it's stupid but it meant so much to me then that I can still have the same feelings run through my blood.
I guess I'm just crushed for life... haha
1 of 30 - Best Friend
Supposedly these are supposed to be anonymous but this one would never be able to be that way. This is her ----> my bestie!
Ashley Elizabeth Kosher
5' 8 1/2" of awesomeness! (I'm pretty sure that's how tall she is)
I'm so lucky because the woman that is my best friend I have also had the privilege of her also being my sister. (Step....but it's all relative) I know that everything happens for a reason and part of my parents being divorced I think has brought her into my life. If our parents didn't start dating.... even though we rode the same bus....(strange, right?) I don't think our lives would have been intertwined as much as I know they were meant to be.
As we all know, growing up is hard. And without someone in your life that is there as a sturdy rock to help you through it.... it can be even harder. I, in my own mind, lost my older sister Julie in a time when I felt I really needed her (I guess I will go over that more once I get to the sibling challenge) but I had Ashley and Brittney to be there for me instead. Really I don't know how I would have turned out if it wasn't for them. Possibly down the same path or a somewhat similar one as Julie...? I sure hope not, I just know that both of them helped me out a lot. I'll talk about both Ashley and Brittney real quick... but we three (the wonderful three) shared a room, a garage transformed into a room! But it brought us even closer together. I remember just laying in bed for hours with the lights off and us being able to talk about anything and everything.... the simplest things to our hopes and dreams and fears. I miss those nights every night when I fall asleep alone. I think it has made it hard for me to sleep alone since it was something I became so accustomed to.
As much as we joked with Ashley about being a wet blanket, she was my wet blanket and I needed her. She was the one to kinda bring my head outta the clouds and be like "hey... ! reality's down here" I'm a little more passive when it comes to things and she's one to question everything.... and things that I wouldn't think to question... and it's a good thing to step back and take a look around as to what the situation may actually have attached with it.
Both Ashley and I are super competitive.... most of the fights that we ever got into.... were because we were competing for something and the other one lost... one may have gloated a little and it pissed the other one off. haha. I think we learned it fairly early on this little tidbit about each other and found ways to avoid it. By declaring that we were a package deal when being picked for teams.... we made it so we wouldn't compete against each other.... even though in the back of our minds I know we wanted to. But it wasn't worth the fight! We keep it fair and we know each others limits.
The hardest part of moving to Southern California was moving away from my family... and especially Ashley. Even when I moved down to Rocklin after graduating High School.... I remember the evening driving away and then just crying in my new room about to start my new college life but thinking of everything that I left behind. On the move down here I didn't cry as much. But I did end up thinking that I wish I could just take her with me... being selfish so I could have her with me to help me through my days. And the weird thing is.... we don't even talk that much... we never call each other.... and I don't feel the need to for some reason. We both don't like talking on the phone very much... I would much rather be sitting in front of her being able to have one of our talks. So with that being said... me being.... lemme see.... roughly 470 miles away from her now. We can still think on the same wavelength... we can be thinking the same things at the same time and I just love the connection that we have.
She is so informed and always looking to be informed and I like when she informs me of things. (Lots of inform....s in there) She is what I would call cautiously curious. Which I think is a good way to be. I know if there is something trending, she's all over it.... including but not limited to the internets (myspace, facebook, twitter, yelp, lol)
Another connection that we have is that we can just look at each other and know what's going on. It's actually quite fun at times. It's something I look forward to. This woman, Ashley, is hilarious... if you give her the chance. Sometimes she can be pushed off to the side because she isn't always pushing for the center of attention but once she gets that spotlight.... she rocks it. She has these outbursts of loudness that make me laugh so hard! She is caring, kind and generous. You know when she cares about you. She shows it.
She strong and if she doesn't like something that you're doing or doesn't agree, she will most likely tell you unless it will cause more damage to whomever it's worth. She will always stand up for what she believes in even if it's against the popular vote. She longs for more out of life and is looking to go out and get it, I believe she will do great things. She sings loud and proud even if she thinks she doesn't sound good. She has a creative streak that she seems to just be dipping into and it's blooming like crazy. She has so many layers... She is strong and has all the qualities a good friend should.
I can always count on her to be my savior in situations where we both feel out of place....we can be there together... hold strong and help each other get through it.
Another thing to be thankful for.... she puts up with my shit. I can mess with her boundaries just enough to not piss her off. We have had so many good adventures together and can't wait for more to come.
I have done some fucked up things to her... and seriously the only thing I've ever regretted in
my life is that thing. She knows what it is. No need for repeating... I'm just glad I've been able to be forgiven and we can move on. Fortunately i got a taste of my own medicine in the end and karma bit me in the ass... but i deserved it.
Hopefully the majority of this is making sense... it's early...late...ish
In closing, Ashley, without you my life would be incomplete... you are my best friend.
p.s.
i still don't have a scanner... but have been thinking... i need to redo the drawings i already have and get them on better paper than lined paper cuz it will be difficult to scan
still planning on doing it and still have lots of ideas of stories to tell!
still planning on doing it and still have lots of ideas of stories to tell!
so yes....
seriously slacking has been happening on my part
i've been wanting to blog and i saw this thing on youtube that may help me get back into it.... 30 for 30
so let's see if i can take on the challenge... and of course since i live in the stone age i won't be using video for mine.... well i guess i could attempt doing a video but i hate hearing myself talk... so i'm not sure i'd like that
so here's the schedule... i will write about
DAY BY DAY:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
it's going to be a challenge for sure... but i will do my best! it may be difficult to do everyday as well... oh well let's do this! i'll start now... even though i should be sleeping
i've been wanting to blog and i saw this thing on youtube that may help me get back into it.... 30 for 30
so let's see if i can take on the challenge... and of course since i live in the stone age i won't be using video for mine.... well i guess i could attempt doing a video but i hate hearing myself talk... so i'm not sure i'd like that
so here's the schedule... i will write about
DAY BY DAY:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
it's going to be a challenge for sure... but i will do my best! it may be difficult to do everyday as well... oh well let's do this! i'll start now... even though i should be sleeping
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