Monday, March 28, 2011

what is wrong with me?!

My nerves are starting to get the best of me. I did shadowing and then yesterday started the core trainer shadowing me. The night before I couldn't sleep. Nightmares of not waking up on time, not knowing what I'm doing and not being able to handle 2 trainees for 3 days. Thank goodness I have till Saturday till we start again so I can get my brain untangled. I felt so depressed yesterday after our opening shift. The biggest thing that I think is scaring me is not having enough time to get everything done and have them figure it out. One of the trainees called in and so I was only dealing with one and still felt like I ran short on time. The hard stuff is out of the way for the most part. 101s are a little confusing but at least we'll be backstage so it won't be as frantic. Also they aren't allowing me to bring home my training binder. so I feel a little unprepared in that way as well. I think I'm going to take it home anyway. I can't continue to feel this way. I'm confident I know what I'm doing. I don't like feeling this way. Thank goodness for Chris. He is really helping me through it. I just don't feel like I'm doing a good job. Chris talked to my trainer, well he actually trained both of us at auto, and he was asking how I was doing and let him know that if Meggan, the core trainer, didn't think I was doing it right or thought I wasn't going to be able to do it she would have pulled me out and up to the managers. So that's a good thing. She told me my nerves were adorable when I first started talking in the morning.

I really need to get my ass in gear, and I will, just need to find that boost of confidence that I lost somewhere. Have you seen it?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

my year

So I've decided I want to make this my year...I really believe I'm in charge of my own happiness so I'm going to make the best of it. Starting off....

1. I got Autopia trainer!! So so excited for this and I start shadowing on the 18th and cannot wait. It's starting so fast but it will be amazing :)

2. Tax return! Extra money for paying off some bills and also saving so Chris and I can do a bay area trip for Laura's wedding. Super excited for the wedding, I'm so happy for Laura.

3. I got a smart phone! I know I'm way behind on the technology but I'm really happy that I finally have something not ghetto lol. I'm actually doing my updating on here right now!
And it's super cool looking too and I get to be a geek about it. I love it so much

4. I'm moving out of Eileen's....I've had enough of the abuse and ready to move on. Christine is letting me live with her for a little while until...

5. Leslie is moving down!! I'm super excited for that as well it will be nice having an old friend around and someone to live with :) and I really think it will help feeling homesick. I'm happy to be a part of a new chapter in her life as well.

6. Another chapter that I will be starting this year is going back to school again. Yikes! I'm really scared at the thought of going back but I chickened out last year and after a lot of thought about how I don't really have anything to show for how far I've come in my life already
I really want to not feel ashamed when people ask if I'm going to school or ask if I have a degree. Who knows I just finally find something I can see myself doing as a career and can continue my education further.

7. I'm going to be 26 this year....le sigh... but I really couldn't be happier with how my life is going. I'm the brokest I've ever been and don't have a car but I'm finally doing things that make me happy and not sacrificing my happiness for other people. It feels really good. Plus I'm very much in love and that makes everything better.

I just hope that the year brings more good fortune to me or that I make the best of what i'm given cuz really at that point you don't have any other choice.

Other things I have to look forward to this year

*Star tours opening - even if I'm not a part of opening crew I'm happy just to be a part of it opening again. I guess my interview will be next friday. I'm a little nervous.
*My baby sister is graduating 8th grade! I asked my parents to see if they can fly me up for the grad since it will just starting the summer and hard to get away from work for a full weekend.I can't believe she's going into high school already :(
*Chris and I will be seeing each other for a year this month...crazy! We didn't officially get together till 6 months later but we are still celebrating and going out to eat at the blue bayou :)
*Baseball games, plays, musicals and whatever else we feel like throwing in the,mix this year again....I'm hoping Vegas in August for my birthday again

Cheers <3

Our Trip!

Mostly a success....

Not as much snow in Tahoe as I wanted...but there's always next year. Of course it's snowing now it was too much to as for when we were up there. Grass Valley is getting a lot! Snow days and everything. I'm jealous.

We drove up after Chris got out of school and made it up pretty quick to my dad's house. Not really any traffic and I drove the whole way up.

Got up Friday morning and were a bit lazy and hung around and watched tv and made breakfast from what they had at their house. Then headed on the road. Stopped in Truckee for lunch at a place that was on Diners Drive ins and Dives (Jax on the Tracks) it was pretty good but I've had better food. The butterscotch shake though was bomb! Then we went up to Lake Tahoe. I was having issues on which way I wanted to go because we were starting to lose sunlight. I decided to take him over to Incline Village where I usually stay with my Dad and Judy and then we would head over to Heavenly and check that out. I pointed out some stuff and then we went to the park on the beach near where the timeshare hotel thing is where we usually go for Christmas and we hung around and skipped some rocks and watched the sunset. It was cold for sure but definitely no snow was on it's way. We jumped back in the car and were also in the process of making plans with Ash, Ant, Brit, Les and also Josh. We drove over to Heavenly and walked around the shops and what not but it was cold we decided to head to Grass Valley. Leslie was still at work and so we went there to say hello and then went to Jimboy's and got food. Then we went to my mom's house to meet up with Brit and drop off our stuff. We sat and talked with my mom and Dennis for a little bit and invited them along for our plans on Saturday and they said 'would think about it' Left back to CVS to pick up Les and we were meeting Josh, Ash and Ant at Mel's in Auburn. We sat there and talked and laughed for a couple of hours and then headed back to GV and went to bed.

Got up and got ready and the parents decided to opt out on what we were doing so they could you know.... sit at home and do nothing. We went to get coffee at sierra mountain and then got bagels at Bubba's and then headed out to the river. Walked down and checked it all out and felt the water and relaxed some then headed back up to walk on the Independence Trail. It was fun. We couldn't have asked for better weather outside to go exploring. The wind was warm and it was sunny and just beautiful. I miss going to the river in the summer. It had been a really really long time since I had been on Independence Trail and we got to the bridge where usually you walk down and find the newts but it was too cold for them. Ant and Chris jumped over the blocked off bridge and went down while the girls watched from above. We didn't do the full trail but wanted to head back so I could spend time with my mom since she doesn't like to leave the house. We got back into town went to SPD and got drinks and snacks then went to the high school and walked around then Chris wanted to get a pastie so we walked down from Ash & Ant's place and from there I got a call from my mom nagging and asking when we were getting back so she could visit and asked if we had dinner plans after I had already told her we did. So we finished out pasties and went over to sit there and talk till we needed to get ready to go out to Nevada City. Grandma came over and Aunt Denise and Uncle John were supposed to as well but it didn't work out. So I sat and talked with my mom and grandma and Julie came over too and I gave her her Christmas present. Julie and I bickered about dumb stuff and my grandma was a little embarrassing but she's been worse before. My mom wanted to talk to me not in front of everyone so she took me in the other room and started to guilt trip me about how I don't make time for her and how when I come to visit I only hang out with Ash and Brit basically. Same story as usual. But, ok, mom, they make time for me! Ashley has come down to visit me 3 times since I moved over a year ago (my dad and judy like 4-5 times) and you've come down to visit me once. And that was last minute jump on Aunt Denise's plan to come down and go to Disneyland. Even when i lived like an hour away it was a hassle to get you to visit me when I had my own place. You visited my first apartment and my last just to drop things off. It's always somehow my responsibility to have to come to your house and sit with you. You don't even want to go out and do things. I like to go out and do things. Obviously. She tried pulling the she's the only one that puts forth effort card and I stomped that shit out and I don't think she liked being wrong. She's been having a really hard time in her marriage and I keep telling her to do something about it and stop living your life sad and gave my you're in charge of your own life spiel and I hate people who complain who are perfectly capable of doing something about it. Then she brought up her depression which she has before to me and I tell her she needs to get help. But this time she brought it up differently. She told me that since now Julie and I are grown up and out of the house she doesn't feel she has anything to live for.  Now that got me going. I was so angry she said that. If I was in a cartoon steam would have started to pour out of my ears. I'm only 25 years old and never been married and don't have kids and she doesn't think she has anything to live for?! wtf!!!! I haven't done anything of value with my life and she's good.... she doesn't want to see me succeed anymore. And don't get me started on what Julie hasn't accomplished. Way to bring me down to earth and see how much I haven't accomplished either. Just because she barely if at all graduated High School and then got married had kids and those were her goals doesn't mean that's how everyone else wants to live their live. Or how Julie lives her life... just skating by and not getting a job and not living in the real world. I started screaming at her telling her how dare she says that to me. I have never been so angry with my mom. I'm not a mom, but there is just some things that you do not tell your children and she already crossed the line once telling me she was thinking of killing herself but this was way too far. Has nothing to live for. Screw you, then just fucking do it already is what I wanted to say too. That's bullshit. So we cried and I yelled and she took it and we came to terms and were ok when we left but needless to say she screwed up the night and my vacation.

Sopa Thai, the place we wanted to go to dinner was closed so we went to a place down the street from it called Matteo's. I felt so bad. I was such in a bad mood and couldn't decide what I wanted to eat... and didn't really want to eat and I was mad and sad and ugh pissed! After dinner we went to McGee's but still wasn't feeling it and felt bad. I wanted to have a good time but was seriously blocked. Went back to my mom's and slept but contemplated going to my dad's for the night but just planned on getting up early because I didn't want to be in that house anymore.

Well so we got up and got ready and went to my dad's house and they needed to pick up Meg from Sheila's so we went along for the ride. Stopped at BJs in El Dorado Hills for lunch and had the worst server on the planet. We the super bowl ready to tape so we could watch it when we got back. After picking up Meg and saying hi to the other horses we came back and got groceries for dinner....steak and potatoes and like 3 different desserts cuz we couldn't decide. It was nice. Got ho,e and started to prepare stuff and just chilled and watched the game. It was a much needed relax time for how upset I was after dealing with my mom. After the parents went to bed since it was a sunday night and they had to get up early for work, Chris busted out his telescope and we set it up in the backyard. It was neat and the night was clear and beautiful...I hope my parents stay in this house I really like it. So we stayed out looking at the stars for a little while then went in to bed. We got up and started packing and getting ready. We were supposed to, meet up with Mike and Shann for lunch and exploring in Old Sac but Shann ended up having a migraine that she couldn't get rid of so they canceled but we went to Old Sac anyways and looked at the shops and the river and then met up with my cousin Tim for lunch at Mikuni' so good :) and then walked around the capital and then headed home. It was a longer trip this time but the drive seemed to fly by which was awesome.

Minus the fights and lack of snow it was a nice trip and I enjoyed seeing the family.