Monday, August 30, 2010

3 of 30 - My Parents - Mom and Dennis

I luckily... have 4 parental units. Some may see that as a bad thing. But I always thought of it as a good thing. Yes, it sucks that my parents divorced when I was a mere 4 years old. But it was for the better. They weren't right for each other... and they were young. It happens... and it also makes me more cautious about jumping into anything too quickly.

I guess I will go through them one by one and that will make it easier so I'm not jumping all over the place. But I will probably jump all over the place while describing how I feel about them.


From the stories she's told me I've always been a Momma's girl. I was such a timid child and didn't want to be around people I wasn't comfortable around. Especially men that I didn't know. I would always run back to my mom and cry or hide. Who knows if that's because I don't ever remember my mom and dad together or some other deep seeded thing. I guess I was always just scared and not outgoing like her and Julie are. I felt closer to her when I was younger before she married Dennis because it was just the three of us all the time. I am definitely her daughter, I catch myself talking like her sometimes...which kinda scares me. She's a great mother. That's what I believe she was meant to do. She makes me crazy but I love her. I can only stand her in small doses. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. How can you not like your mom as a person? Why does it have to be like that? I wish I could connect with her... but I just can't. Or maybe it's that I don't want to. As we get older we start to see our parents as real people and I think that's when we can decide if we like them as people or not. Before you just assume that you like your parents because you love them. But that doesn't have to be the case. I don't like Julie either (more explained in the next one with the sibling) but I love her. They are family and I would still do anything for them. I hold some resentment toward my mom because I don't think she ever pushed me to achieve anything great. Being mediocre was just fine. Passing along and not being noticed for anything was ok... just blending in with the crowd was an ok way to go through life. I disagree. In high school she never asked what I wanted to do when I 'grew up' ... never asked if I had any intentions of going to college or pursuing anything. Never asked what my dreams were and how she could help me reach them. We weren't involved with many activities. We were in band at Scotten and Gilmore but it just seemed like a hassle more than anything. As much as I would have been embarrassed that my mom was volunteering to help out with school functions... it would have been nice for her to offer. I almost was jealous at the parents that seemed to be so involved with their kids lives. I remember having to wait alone while everyone else got picked up by their parents on time. I seemed to miss out on opportunities because she never knew what was going on in the school at the time. I would bring home things that informed her of stuff and I know she didn't read them. It affected my social life too.I think that if my mom was involved with the community or even cared to know any of my friend's parents I could have had been more involved with things. Whenever I heard of something cool I would bring it up to her and get the yay or nay but still.. I just wish she would have been looking for something for me to be involved with... who knows you better before you know yourself other than your parents. When you're trying to figure out what kind of person you are your parents should be a guide in your life. Offering advice and guidance and encouragement. I don't remember getting anything like that. And I really wish I did. I can't blame her entirely. She didn't have anything like that in her life. We were much better off than she ever was in her childhood. My grandma is crazy and they had a crappy and crazy upbringing from the stories that I've heard. But don't you want to improve with your own children? It's not all financial and I think that's what she focused on. She also has some problems... and you can't talk to her about them. Addictions more so I guess you could say. She's a functioning alcoholic hiding behind another semi-functioning alcoholic. She watched her father die from this crap and still does it. I just don't understand. She ruining her body and mind and is heading down the path where she won't be seeing her grandchildren since I'm not planning on any anytime soon. I remember in high school almost moving in with my dad my senior year... I was sick of it all with her. But a lot of that was just teenage angst.

She really is the sweetest woman ever and doesn't really have a evil bone in her body. she always puts her own needs aside before taking care of herself. She is physically strong and will always do things herself and I can admire her for getting through life with all the crap that she had to go through. She had a tough childhood and I'm really not sure if she even graduated high school. She's good with people... but not books smart... I think I got that from her too. She managed though. She raised me and Julie with child support from my dad and worked her ass off to make sure we were always happy. And I always remember being happy as a child. She worked her way from the bottom of every job she had and now is fairly successful and has been with the same bank for 10+ years.

She was always very good at sheltering us from all the bad stuff that was going on. Almost too much though... I felt that I am missing on important stuff in the family because she was so good at hiding anything unpleasant. I didn't know that my dad's mom was buried in the graveyard across the street from Scotten and Gilmore until I moved away down to Rocklin... or maybe even after Ryan and I moved in together when Kristina told me. I had always had a fascination with her and my mom never told me that I could go to her grave and get the closest I ever would be to her! Ugh.

I think she tries really hard to connect to me too.... but fails. She doesn't follow through. A while back I was reading a book and told her to read it too and then we went and saw the movie together and were able to talk about it and it was really cool... and then I told her to choose the next book or movie or whatever and that never happened. Can't say I never tried.

This is really just scratching the surface. I love her for helping me become the person I am today...and having me look at myself more critically to have me stop from ending up like her.... I hope that's not as bad as it sounds.


I remember being so excited about this new guy my mom was dating... he had 2 kids! haha. I never really saw it being a bad thing when my mom and dad dated people... as long as they had kids for me to play with.... I was cool with them. The problem I did start to have when it seemed to get serious and that it was possible I was going to lose my mom to a guy. I remember crying at their wedding... as much as I wanted it to happen for my own selfish reasons so I could have Ashley and Brittney as sisters, I didn't. I knew things would change and I felt so close to Julie and my mom at this point. I didn't mean to start off with bad things but I'm just thinking of the first things I remember.

He is such a big kid. He was always into the new and upcoming things... he would talk to me like an adult. He likes music loud and trying to teach his girls how to be tough. I know he felt closer to me ever than he did to Julie. But I don't think Julie gave him much of a chance. He loved so much that we played paintball and was super proud of us. He was always trying to be the cool dad... which sometimes worked and other times embarrassed us. He is a great man and always means well.

I'm so scared for him right now. He is destroying his body and mind with alcohol. And I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. This makes me wish I was still living at home. But from what I've learned in the past is that my mom and Dennis do not treat their children as adults. Our opinions are still a child's opinion and doesn't matter even though we are all well into our 20s.

I love him with all my heart and wish I could do something more. I feel so helpless and selfish because I'm trying to live my own life and figure out what's going on with what I want.

Dad and Judy will be on the next round....

Sunday, August 8, 2010

this is harder than i thought

writing about my parents... i've had hardcore writers block

maybe tomorrow... it's almost 3am... bedtime for sure

i say... good day!