Tuesday, January 31, 2012


One way I was able to connect with my mom years ago (2008) was that we read Nights in Rodanthe together then we went and saw the movie when it came out. I think it helped a little bit. Next step was for her to pick the next book/movie combo. Guess what, it never happened. So after all of this, I decided to try again. Popped onto Amazon and bought us a both a cheap copy of The Great Gatsby because the new movie is coming out this year. It was one of my favorite books in high school.

When I told her about it she told me also that she was writing a letter and that it contains some of the 'hard stuff'

I have yet to see this letter so far. But I'm looking forward to reading it.

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Hopefully plans so far... ideas I'm throwing out there
Continuing to be an awesome Lead.... the Managers are already talking about me :) possibly another lead position?

  • Cash Money coming down to visit and staying in a hotel for the weekend.... heck yes
  • enjoying the off season for once at Disney

  • Moving out with Chris into a place that isn't his parents!
  • Big Bear trip with the Disney besties for snow and cabin fun


  •  Miranda turns 15...

  • Possible trip to Utah with Chris' family?
  • Miranda comes down a week or so to visit?
  • Richardson Family Reunion in Lake Tahoe 

  • the freaking Nevada County Fair  
  • Arizona river trip or 3 day cruise for me and Danielle's bday

  • Rib Fest?
  • My dad turning 50!
  • Burning Man (gonna have to be next year... ugh, too much cash just for the ticket :( )

  •  Something awesome for Chris' bday?




Guess I'll have to fill the blanks as time rolls on...

That's a lot of trips.... blah I wish trips were freeeeee

so what


where to start

i don't think i'm quite ready.

I've managed to screw up what little of a relationship that I had left with my mother.

I screamed and left her house and I've never done anything like that before. I feel bad... but I was holding back so much and I just let it all out.

She's having such a hard time and I just added to it. But she keeps blaming me for things that aren't my fault and like the previous fight when I last saw her in person I just can't look at her the same. The things she said. I'm getting choked up just thinking of it.

Why can't I just have a normal relationship with my mother?

I've been beating myself up with all the wonderful memories I have of her. It's not that I don't love her, I do, a lot and I like the way she raised me. But it makes me feel like it was all a lie. The confidence and strength I thought she had and how I looked up to her.

Whatever it doesn't matter. I said sorry but I'm not sorry for the things I said. Just sorry that I said them to her. She didn't need to hear them. I should have just kept my fat mouth shut. I really wish I could do that more often.

It's all over. It's her birthday today.... and I'm pretty sure she screened my phone call.