Saturday, January 14, 2012

so what


where to start

i don't think i'm quite ready.

I've managed to screw up what little of a relationship that I had left with my mother.

I screamed and left her house and I've never done anything like that before. I feel bad... but I was holding back so much and I just let it all out.

She's having such a hard time and I just added to it. But she keeps blaming me for things that aren't my fault and like the previous fight when I last saw her in person I just can't look at her the same. The things she said. I'm getting choked up just thinking of it.

Why can't I just have a normal relationship with my mother?

I've been beating myself up with all the wonderful memories I have of her. It's not that I don't love her, I do, a lot and I like the way she raised me. But it makes me feel like it was all a lie. The confidence and strength I thought she had and how I looked up to her.

Whatever it doesn't matter. I said sorry but I'm not sorry for the things I said. Just sorry that I said them to her. She didn't need to hear them. I should have just kept my fat mouth shut. I really wish I could do that more often.

It's all over. It's her birthday today.... and I'm pretty sure she screened my phone call.

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