Saturday, September 22, 2012

blah blah blah

I was supposed to get good at this blogging thing with all this extra time on my hands but guess not. Here we are at the end of September and last thing I wrote was in June.

Well can't turn back time. My summer vacation is almost over. I've been through a lot. So many strange emotions and I've gained so much weight and a lot of weird depression and having issues getting motivated to do anything. Hence the non writing. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and it just reminds me of how my life I haven't accomplished much... le sigh.

I don't even know what to write... I should be getting back to work on October 15th. Thankfully after the wedding is over. I'm done with planning all that and after all this it makes me want to elope when and if I ever get married. But I will probably change my mind. I wouldn't procrastinate on everything as much as they did. Their stuff not mine. I just hate the way they are making me feel like my relationship is not adequate compared to theirs. I don't feel like I need to prove anything. Chris and I have been through a lot of shit with me not working, I hate not feeling like I'm pulling my own weight... which feels like so much since I've gained so much. He has been so supportive even though I've been basically worthless... or at least feeling that way. I think going through all of this has helped us grow stronger and closer, so I'm appreciative about that. But fuck, it's difficult.

Went up north a couple of times and Miranda came down here which I loved. I'm so happy to have the relationship that I do have with her but I wish I was closer to her to help her with the day to day. But all this time I've been thinking it makes me not want to move back to Nor Cal. I've always told myself after 5 years at Disney that's when I'd reevaluate my situation and see where I'd like to go from there. I figured I would just move back up home but now I don't know. Ashley dropped an awesome bomb on me that she's planning on moving to New York beginning of next year... that is so so awesome. I'm so happy she's doing that and I really hope I can get out there when she's living there. So I told her I wanted to move somewhere else and we decided we all should move to Portland when she comes back, and I think that sounds like a great new place to start a different chapter. Lots of bike things for Chris and no sales tax and the minimum wage is actually more than it is in California. So we'll see but that's something positive to look forward to.
 My relationship with my mom hasn't changed but she's unemployed and still don't know if she's been changing or making herself better. I won't be able to start my relationship again with her until she works on herself. We talked on my birthday but it wasn't much. I sent her the Great Gatsby to read and she told me she was reading a lot but didn't mention Gatsby until I did. I don't think she understood it. She told me I should read the Janet Evanovich series, and that's just not my style, so she still doesn't really know me. I don't think she ever really has known me, blah blah my mom doesn't understand me, I feel like I'm in high school again.

Speaking of high school.... 10 years is coming up since I graduated high school... what the actual fuck...

I'm just not impressed with myself a lot lately. Probably because I really can show myself with my work and not working... I feel so useless.

I think that's all I feel like writing right now. Sleep has been better since before... since we got back from Vegas for the bachelorette party it seems like I can't get enough sleep. I napped yesterday and then slept in really late this morning but I was feeling so bad about myself that I thought I should just stay in bed all day. I'll probably shower soon.

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