Friday, November 26, 2010

7 of 30 Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush - WARNING this is super long!

Yes I'm well aware I skipped 6.

And I'm not going back to it. It was a dumb one and I couldn't write anything. It was about a stranger. And all I know is 'a stranger's just a friend you haven't met...... streetcar!'

one of my faves

So I've decided to move on to the next category.

Which is also seeming to be difficult.

Ryan is really the one that I could write the most about.... so I guess I could go with that.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....circa 2004

I was still dating Dean. I had moved down to Rocklin to live with Dad and Judy and to go to college at Sierra. Since I had moved it was becoming more difficult to be with him because he was far away and I just felt we were drifting apart. Plus I was in a new place and wanted to get out and spread my wings! I wanted to but didn't really, haha, I never really made any friends that I went to college with. Only about 2 or 3 that are even currently on my facebook even. We had a paintball sponsorship with Adrenalin Zone and I would go there a lot and hang out in the store in Rancho Cordova (BFE from Rocklin) with my free time that I wasn't going to school or playing paintball. I eventually broke up with Dean before our 1 year anniversary because I didn't want him to get me anything expensive and have it go on longer than it should have. Dean was a really good boyfriend though, he was and still is, a really generous and awesome guy. Just not for me. Even though I wanted it I was still upset about it because it made him really upset.

Ok side note... totally looking back in my LJ for more information... it's pretty silly to read stuff from the past :D 

After that more and more I hung out at Adrenalin Zone and one day some dude came in and recognized me as a Bunker Babe. It actually happened to us a lot, it was awesome, I'm not gonna lie. This dude happened to be Ryan. He found me on and I'm not sure if I was the paintballer of the month at that time or it was before but he found my AIM account on there and we started talking a lot online. Ryan was a simple guy. His dad was an electrician so he became an electrician right out of high school. He was a trouble maker in school and was a pot head too. He didn't anymore or it would have been a deal breaker for me. I'm not really sure if he graduated high school or not, he never gave me a straight answer. He was about 4 months older than I am and grew up in Stockton. He was raised Mormon. Has 3 sisters and a brother. His parents divorced when he was around 12 or 13. He was home schooled for a little while and his dad had custody of all the kids because the courts decided that his mom was unfit to care for all of them. He was goofy, fun to be around, and always had something interesting to ponder.

We finally went on a date after many long nights of talking online on AIM. Back in the day I drank a lot of snapple and they had the snapple points and I got enough to get a shirt from them. It was a saved by the bell shirt and I remember I wore that on our first date. I drove to Elk Grove and picked him up because at that point he 'didn't have a car' went and saw a movie and went to Chevy's for dinner. It was a nice first date. We still talked and what not a while longer before he asked me to be his girlfriend on April 20th. It was weird dating someone that I didn't know for a long time before dating them.  I was still going to Sierra and taking classes and just starting working at Performance. I remember in the movie theater on our first date he was looking though my wallet and stuff and then wouldn't let me see his license. Come to find out later on it was because he didn't have his license. So for the first 6 months of our relationship I drove my Rodeo around everywhere for us and he lived in Elk Grove which was about 45 minutes away from Rocklin. We went around and did a bunch of things all the time. I was still playing paintball a lot too and he was just starting to get hardcore into it. Soon enough April came around again and a year had gone by. This was the time that Judy and my Dad were starting to drift apart ... I was working full time and decided not to go back to school. In the summer we decided to move in together. Ryan had gotten his license and a car. Our first apartment was in Orangevale and it was awesome. I loved living there. Things were going really well with our relationship too. I found Burnadette at that time too. We actually celebrated our 2 year down in SoCal picking her up and bringing her home. I was making money and going on trips and having a grand ol' time but as in any relationship we eventually started to have fights. We never really fought before that. We were both still young. Once our year up was in the apartment in Orangevale we started to look for another place to live because they wanted to raise the rent in the apartment. I found the first place in Orangevale and wanted Ryan to find our next place. But he didn't so I ended up finding Pepperwood Knoll in North Highlands/Antelope area. Bad choice. It was pretty ghetto. The first night we stayed there they had the helicopter out with the spot light searching for someone. In this place we started to drift more and more apart. I wanted to go places and go and be around my family and stuff and he didn't want to. He would either end up just staying home playing video games or going to Stockton before we would go around and do things together. Go see his family and go see my family and go to the movies and go get sushi a lot. We started to drift apart. At that apartment we went through the 3 times I found out about him cheating and just let it go and also the christmas we were there he gave me the promise ring. and in this apartment is where we got kooper... he brought us together and tore us a little more apart at the same time i think. i wasn't ready for a dog, i wanted to have a yard if we were going to get a dog, it's just not fair to the dog. but we did it anyways and kooper was my little baby and i loved him so much. there was a big issue with this bitch that i know ryan cheated on me with and then the shit that went down in stockton that i found while snooping his myspace and the crap that happened in lodi...when i was there....then we were going to move into a big house with dan, brooke & nicole. That never worked out then I got diagnosed with skin cancer we had to move out of the shit apartment and then lived in the cottage with dan on the couch for a couple of months before i found the house in downtown sac. oh how i love that house! :( i still miss it. having another roommate didn't help us out at all. dan was always intruding in on our relationship that was already rocky. not long into moving there ryan had to go to hawaii for work and left me there with kooper and dan. i was not feeling good about the relationship anymore and actually had some relief when he was gone. it was hard taking care of kooper on my own though. i was going through a lot of stress at work and wasn't liking it and southern california kept calling to me. i wrote in my livejournal when he was gone a lot and i was having all these feelings that were messing me up. i started having feelings for other people but at this point i wasn't acting out those feelings as much as i wanted to.

"i feel like my thoughts are cheating

but i'm also having trust issues with ryan. one day i can trust him and feel sooooo comfortable in the relationship...but then he says things that throw me off and some of his actions have shown me no respect and made me question us

he seems to have some wild oats to sew or however the fucking saying goes. and i thought mine were already sewn... but i guess they aren't...

am i too young for a relationship this intense?

i love this relationship

but i guess i'm just stir crazy

why do i doubt myself? i do not know

how can something feel so right and  be so wrong simultaneously? "

  money was starting to get tight again and i was looking for another job. ryan came back from hawaii and we surprised dan for his 21st bday. i remember fighting at the airport when i picked him up....over the years he had been changing and he was turning into someone i didn't really like very much. drinking a lot with dan and stupid ali...even hearing that name still gets me annoyed. i was changing too but he was going in a much different direction. things were getting bad at work because the economy was starting to get worse and at the beginning of 2008 i sat down with my dad and judy and told them i wanted to leave soon but i promised i would stay till the end of the year at least. ryan started contemplating us moving to stockton and moving in the house with his brother and friends, i gave it thought, but living in stockton was not my idea of living. i started the job at steve's pizza at the end of january in 2008 so i wasn't home as often since i would get off at performance and then drive to carmichael and close at steve's. he was spending more time in stockton and making me more and more insecure. at this point....well right before starting at steve's.... i had gained a shit ton of weight like i was close to 200lbs... i'm sure it was a huge turn off for him.... oh yes, i remember it was, he told me, when we had broken up about how he hated how fat i had gotten. i was depressed and i wasn't happy with myself either but he never said anything until afterward just to hurt me. that was cool. i was having issues with him not coming home from stockton some nights. i sent him this email and i don't think i remember getting a response

I have taken the first step towards opening a savings account for us that has awesome interest on it. So we can save for trips and what not and it’s joint so we both can add to it on our own. I will bring the paperwork home and you’ll just have to sign it and I’ll send it in. I want you to understand how I feel about Jen. The reason I have a problem with you hanging out with her alone is that she’s the one you never got. Bottom line it’s a competitive thing. You have all of me, even when you don’t want it :-p and she’s the one that you would have loved to have but never did. It never worked out and that’s a threat to me and a temptation for you. I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s why I act the way I do and it’s the only way I know how to explain it. You speak highly of her and I believe you when you say that there’s nothing going on but it doesn’t stop the feelings that arise when you say you’re going to be home so we can go to a movie and you come home hella late and you take her out to dinner and you barely buy dinner for me anymore, and you say you didn’t answer your phone because you fell asleep on her couch. Please put yourself in my shoes because I don’t have someone like that. The other instances that you did and I found out about or witnessed I will never forget as I’m assuming you won’t forget what happened with Tony and I really don’t have any kind of relationship with him anymore. I know she’s a good friend of yours that you can confide in that’s an outside source and I really don’t want you to lose that because I know it’s important to have someone like that in your life and I can’t be that person because I’m the girlfriend  I hope she doesn’t think less of me for getting angry either because I find it important that she thinks that I’m good for you too. I know we’re both on the same page with situations that take place everyday and I know that we are both happy and if we wanted to cheat we would and we don’t and if we did we would obviously need to talk. Lol. I want you to promise that I will be the first to know if you don’t want to be with me anymore, ok? Also with last night and the drinking, I know I go to extremes but I don’t think it’s smart to go out drinking and coming home hella late when you have to work in the morning. I’m sure it affects how you work the next day and the last thing you need right now is to lose your job or do anything to ruin what you have. I have really strong feelings towards alcoholics. I take addiction seriously because I have witnessed it firsthand. I don’t think you’re an alcoholic and I know that we’re young and everything but your stories of how you were living in Hawaii really kinda freaked me out, especially when you starting doing it again once you got home. I know I’m just a big worry wart but I worry because I care and I don’t want it to be an extreme. And if you do somehow develop a problem I will not be able to have a relationship with an addict. Dan’s lighthearted take on the subject makes me worried too but there’s not a lot I can do there. There is a party tonight at Macie’s house and she lives downtown. I told her and Cassy we would be probably be making an appearance but I had to work so I wouldn’t be there until after that. Address is 1424 F Street #3. I won’t be drinking because I can’t with the medicine I’m on. It’ll make me hella sick so if you can get over there without a car or we can just leave your truck… I can get us home. It’ll prolly be too far to walk, well I guess it depends on if you want to walk like a mile and a half. Laura’s bday dinner is supposed to be next Friday the 1st but I told her I was working and that we prolly wouldn’t make it and you said you didn’t really want to go anyways but if you wanted to it’s 8pm at PF Changs in Roseville. I want to go see the concept home this weekend, prolly Saturday, I’m trying to set up with Nicole and what time she’s going and so we all can go together. Sunday is the last day it’s open. I think that’s everything that I would have tried to remember to talk to you about if I could call you. Sorry to get so serious on you through an email. I am able to explain my feelings and communicate exactly what I want to when I write it out. I love you with all my heart and I’ll prolly be home at like 1030-11ish depending on what I’m doing tonight. If you can you should stop by and visit me tonight  Take Arden for a while and it’s on the corner of Fair Oaks and Arden after you get into Carmichael. p.s. I would love it if you joined the gym with me so we could go on Sunday together!

Just one of the attempts for me to try to connect with him and get out how i felt. Things just continued to spiral out of control. I didn't want to come home and I would work as much as possible. I started to lose a bunch of weight because I was working a lot and not eating as much. I started looking for things to fill the empty space that he was leaving and that's when I started to cheat on him with Spencer.

I can’t put my finger on why. But I am unhappy. I don’t think he’s doing the same but I never know. He’s not the same person I fell in love with.  I am filling a void that he has left; he reminds me a lot of him when we first started dating. I feel like I keep getting the same advice. I told him I’m unhappy and that we need to work on things and grow back together since we both knew we have been growing apart. He found a pair of boxers in his suitcase that aren’t his and he trying to say they are some guy’s I slept with. I have no idea who’s they are. Nothing was left behind. Accusers have guilty consciences though so who knows where that comes from. I read some texts on his phone and it was some chick that he obviously gave his number to but he never saves the numbers as to somehow cover something up. She told him to go to the club she was at to find out who she was. He never left that night, but wtf. Why does he give his number to girls!? We’re really in trial period since the big blowout and I told him that I loved him less. I don’t know but maybe it is time for this to be over. There was an improvement at first but it’s been back and forth and I have been very standoffish towards him. He basically has cheated on me in numerous ways… some chick from some random party that he like caressed her ass or some shit that I found by reading into his myspace account, crazy Erica who was trying to get into his pants the entire time and I told him she was… he lied to me and went to her house after getting drunk at the casino and supposedly she made a move and he left and came home and cuddled up to me and lied out the ass to me… , and Michelle (right in front of me at a party when she jumped on him straddling him and basically dry humping the shit outta him) and the lies to stop me from being mad and all this is in the past but doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right, but I’m not trying to make a right. I’m filling a void or tending to a wound that was opened and never got treated… I hate lying and I am doing it now everyday. I’m no good for breaks… the more I am apart the more I just want to run away. So much of my life is invested in this. I love him but I can’t help but feel as if I’m falling out of love with him. But is it really that? How can I tell? Am I just thinking the grass is greener? Will I ever be satisfied with anyone? Or will I just keep going through this my entire life?

I feel so lost and I don’t feel the same energy and warmth from him anymore. The sex is just the same and I don’t like it anymore 

In march we decided to go on a break. I think breaks are dumb. And I don't really believe in them but I had invested so much time in this that I didn't want to just throw it all out the window. But it didn't take me long to decide that it was over for me. 

Nicole and I would read our horoscopes at work all the time at work for fun, but going through all these rough patches with Ryan it was like the MSN horoscope person was following me.

The last months have been very challenging - and there's a very good chance that you no longer feel up to meeting the challenges. So if you have been yearning to modify something in your daily life, do it now, dear Leo. The hour has come to make concrete changes. Regardless of whether the change you seek is at home or at work, physical or emotional, don't be afraid of seriously upsetting your life.

  We talked off and on during the break and whatever and he would always write me emails and I had to tell him a lot to back off because he wasn't giving me any space. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I had told him that I was cheating on him and that's what set the break into motion really. This is one I wrote to him in reply to something else.

I understand that nagging. That’s why I have been trying to lay low. I told everyone I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to have to answer the questions that are about our personal relationship and you shouldn’t either unless you want to. I’m tired of people calling me and waiting for me to bring it up so I just made a blanket statement of not wanting to talk about it. Other people shouldn’t get involved but they will because for some reason they think since they don’t have control in their own lives that they should try to point ours in some direction or that somehow they can ‘fix’ or ‘make things better’ What is going on with me is going on with me, no one really knows what’s going on. People will always talk and I just hate it that you have to deal with it; I would take it all on if I could.

When you leave for Long Beach I will be going back to the house and staying there and getting my stuff situated. When you come back I will go back to the cottage until the lease is up. I want to move, I haven’t figured out where yet, Kristina has offered Vegas for me to stay with her until I get on my feet and Judy’s friend lives there and could get me a job and a place to live. But I don’t know if I could live there. That’s my plan so far. I want to experience life outside of here. I’m ready to make some big changes, I feel like I’m at this huge crossroad and there are signs everywhere that I need to read but they aren’t legible yet. If I stay here everything will be the same and I need change.

I care about you so much Ryan and I can’t give you all of me at this time in my life. I can’t give all of me to anyone at this time in my life, I’m not ready for that. I need and want to work on myself and my life and what I want out of it. I want to do so many things and the time is now and I’ve just been sitting around. I’m really scared but I know it’s what I want to do.

What I meant by that text was that I will always feel guilt, I take on all guilt and always will. All of this is my fault, I screwed this up and I failed at this relationship and also that you don’t remember what you said when you called. I’m having such trouble with dealing with this. I’m questioning myself, then feel cold and angry and then happy, it’s confusing. I really would like to find the fast forward button and fast forward to where I’m like 30.

Our paths may cross again and I will miss our walk as well and if it’s too late if I come running down your path, I can’t do anything to change that. I look upon it as such a great time in my life, I love it all. You’ve taught me so much about life and love and myself, and I want thank you for sharing your life with me. 

But things started to get bad, the harmless emails started to turn crazier. Back and forth. 

Myspace message.
“I will love you no matter what and of all the people in the world you're the only one I want to spend forever with. and when I say I love you I know it doesn’t come as any surprise cuz I’ve told you a thousand times before I love you even on the days the sun doesn't shine and our nerves are on edge. thru good and tough times. I love you when its easy and when it takes all the patience in the world. I'm going to love you forever there is no doubt in my mind because all the love that I’m feeling in my heart is the " last forever kind" im going to love you for always not maybe i know its true from the first we kissed i knew in my heart my forever love would be you *heart erica*” ß this is what I wrote on a card

I'm not writing to make this hard only to stand on a piller and show you how great we are, and how great we make each other. obviously we went through a real rough spot eri but thats what i loved about us! we worked through them! THIS IS THE LAST TIME I STAND BEFORE YOU TO REMIND YOU. We've both made mistakes we've both failed this relationship but we both want to sleep in each others arms. neither of us want any other love other than our own. I've never uttered these words Erica. but i will finally spill them onto your feet. WE CAN MAKE US WORK. I know you fight to keep me out of that part of your heart. the section where I once stood. but if you're doing it to make things easy. i say quit being weak. face me, feel emotion, let me care for you. you are my penguin no one else can make me feel the way you do.
Obviously i know what i've said in our email about our paths and I'm not trying to fight any of that I KNOW YOU NEED THIS. I DO TOO. its going to change who we are for the rest of our life's.
I'm ready for all of it but does it need to be this way? do you need to force me out?
My reply.
I know how great we were, you don’t have to stand on a pillar and show me. I was there, remember? I put my entire heart and everything in our relationship. There is no doubt about that. Currently, Ryan, I don’t want to sleep in your arms. And I don’t know how many times I have to say that I cannot predict the future and of course there is a possibility of us getting back together but that isn’t my focus right now. I don’t know why I have to keep repeating myself and it just reiterates the fact that you’re not really listening to me and not caring how I feel about this or what I’m going through. I don’t want to make it work right now. I want to keep you in my heart but you’re pushing yourself out by hurting me and making me feel guilt that we’re on different pages. Of course I care for you and I want you to care for me as well but it cannot be in the way you want it to be right now. I am not weak and this decision is not something that is easy, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, I am feeling so many emotions I don’t even know what to freaking do with them all! I wish I could just let everything go and start over and fully love you and our relationship again. But I can’t, it’s not that easy. I have been hurt, hurt you, and been unhappy and unsettled in all the past year. Do you want me to push my feelings aside more so you can be happy? I would never ask that of you. I don’t want to hurt you but you’re putting in me a spot where the only way to go is to hurt you to get my point across. You ARE trying to fight my path; you’re not letting me find a path. I do need to force you out so I can allow myself to grow as an individual if you won’t go willingly. If you aren’t willing to accept the fact that this will not be a quick passageway, there is no timeline and you are only making this a more difficult and straining process I don’t know what I can do to help you. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can. If by the time I’ve been able to do whatever needs to be done for myself I’m too late for you, it’s going to be my fault but I know everything happens for a reason and what is supposed to happen will. I am in control, and I can only go where my gut and my heart directs me.
I don’t know why I allow myself to be feel guilt for everything that happens in the world but I do.
This fucking sucks and I don’t want to have to deal with it. Work is already stressful enough. I’m only one person and they expect me to be this machine pumping out numbers and this one ‘is a real simple one’ and I say back of the line fuckers! I’m not a machine and my motivation has been lost for this job and that doesn’t help anything either. Plus hello I’m working another freaking job, thank goodness I don’t have a lot of stress there, it is just exhausting because I’m already drained from all of this job and what’s going on with him.
He seems to think that I haven’t reflected on our relationship and what we both put into it and what I could be losing. That me breaking up with him was some sort of rash decision and I didn’t think it through. It’s a risk, a life altering risk that I’m willing to take because I’m not happy and why should I sacrifice my happiness and what I feel is right for my life? This obviously is affecting my life. And he’s moving to Oklahoma on Wednesday. Do I really want to deal with another long distance thing? No, I don’t. Hawaii was hard enough especially because we would be starting over again. And I’m not moving to Oklahoma, sorry. I want to break this cycle that I’m in. I’ve been living comfortably and the same for the past basically 5 years… this isn’t what I want, or what I’ve wanted. I need to move away and live other places and meet new people and experience life!
There’s so much that has happened in the past month that I don’t even know what to write. He’s making me crazy.
I broke up with him March 28-29th it was throughout the night into the early morning.
Yesterday would have been our 4 year anniversary.
I want to end up happily ever after, but does it my ‘end up’ time have to start when I’m 22 (almost 23) I’ve barely lived, things are just starting. I’m not ready for that.
There was a time in my life when I never wanted to get married so I could be like my aunt denise and live alone and have fun and not have to answer to anyone. I don’t think that way now. I do want to be married and have a partner to share my life with and have and raise children with. But the time to start that isn’t now, at least for me.
Now I get a text asking if I would like a reply that he has already written up… who asks that? I don’t get it.
I'm not trying to force you back to me. I know what your focus is and I respect it. I just had to say that on 4-20 Erica. My texts were just trying to be cute. and you really cant play back. you cant joke with other guys, just not me. not anymore, well atleast for now. Erica, I know how much you put into our relationship. Deep down i know you would trade all your uneasy feelings for happiness with me. but you wont grow that way. for some reason i thought you would want to be with me yesterday. you probably did untill i started being cute. obviously i want to share you bed with you again before i leave. its not going to happen and i will get over it. things will be alot easier when im 1700 miles away. I dont hold you to anything love I am happy to see how much you've changed so far! i cant wait untill you get comforatable again! I just hope you havent sang "misery buisness" out loud with me in your heart( although im sure you do ) like i said stand up and say that yesterday.  You know you arent the only one going through complex emotions. I just wish i had someone to make me feel like everything is going to be alright you were always so good at it.
your actions are not reflecting that you respect it. i know you were trying to be cute, but it hurt me, of course i was thinking about every day and every anniversary yesterday and i remember all of that stuff. don't try to make this about other guys on my half, you are the one trying to make other women feel like the way you made me feel, make them laugh and tell them the things you continue to tell me. you know how that made me feel when you would call me the same things that you would call other girls. calling them cute and telling them to smile like you would talk to me. if i could i would love to take the easy road and it was probably best that i didn't see you yesterday. i don't know how to make you feel like everything will be ok, i wish i would have known you actually appreciated that when i did it because you never made me feel like i made a difference. what about me? who's helping me feel that everything is going to be ok? it's going to have to be myself and that's another hurdle in this growing process.

Then another horoscope that was following me....

This is a good day to stand up for yourself and make it known that you are not a pushover, dear Leo. Use the powerful energy of the day to follow through on projects that may have lost momentum. Pick up the reins and take control of the direction of your life. Feel free to be more aggressive than you normally would. Show others your incredible worth.

Like I said there were a lot of emails and texts back and forth that made things really hard. I had to change my number to stop a lot of that harassing. I was in a daze for a long while. I would hear the sappy songs that made me love being in love and I didn't cry like I thought I would. I felt like I was turning into a cold hard bitch since I used to cry over everything. But I knew it was the right decision to make for me and I think that is why I was ok with how things were going. Spencer was around for a lot of this and helped me deal with things. We weren't really seeing each other as often as when the cheating was going down because I was def in need of some space. 

This is what was the officially what happened post that I posted on Livejournal.  

You think you know someone…you spend just about 4 years getting to know them and you love them and give everything to them… I go in with open arms and an open and forgiving and accepting heart and things start to fail and you start to feel unhappy and start thinking you’re not appreciated… and you really aren’t. You bend over backwards and they tell you to jump and I ask how fucking high? I get screwed for being nice. Always. And it will always continue to happen because I like being nice. You make a mistake of judgment for the time being and it hurts him, yes, but you fess up to what you’ve done wrong to try and make it work. And when you try and make it work… you get no response and nothing but skepticism and guilt, so there’s nothing more to do. You made that decision because you were unhappy and things weren’t right and you didn’t feel the same about him. You break up with someone cuz the relationship is not working anymore and there’s only so many times you can try on your own and fail over and over again without anything back. You want to work on yourself and make yourself a better person because you feel as if you’re not completing what you should be at this point you feel lost and anxious and 4 years ago you were basically doing the exact same thing.
He won’t leave you alone, telling you all the things that he should have told you when you were together. But it’s too late. It’s not fair of him to put all this in now. But it wouldn’t last I’m sure. I know in my heart that I had made the right decision.
You tell him you need space and if there’s any chance of getting back together it’s not in the near future and you’re confused about life and everything in it. He starts talking to one of your friends.
He moves away for work and still won’t leave you alone.
I still try and am nice and let him know I care for him as a person but we’re not in a relationship anymore and that he needs to stop acting like it and stop calling me by the pet names we used to have. Stop asking me to be cute with you, stop asking me for pictures, stop telling me how much you love me.
Things go back and forth and he claims he will stop and let it be but he keeps prying and asking and snooping around on you like he has some sort of control over what you do. He never had control over what you did.
You try being mean and blunt and you let an I love you too slide. It wasn’t a lie, of course you still have love for him but it’s not the same kind of love that you so blindly fell into.
You fight and hang up on him and tell him to stop, so he stops for a day or so but it comes right back together.
More and more fights come and go and you just ignore as much as you can.
what’s on your mind
how do you feel about us
what do you miss about me
I need you
you’re my penguin
where did you sleep last night
I stand here with my unconditional love and I will wait for you
why doesn’t he just listen!??!?!
me:I told you to stop asking me those questions and you again continue to go back on your word and piss me off. I don’t want you to text me anymore.
him:I’m sorry I can’t deal with certain things i still love you with all my heart
him:I’ll keep my ear open for the day you want to ask me questions
him: You’ve got nothing for me, do you? Yea fuck this you threw me away. Oh no, but I’m pissing you off
me:You went running at full speed on your own choices
me: Fuck you ryan, you are dwelling on that like you’re some kind of victim. We had been falling apart for the past year … you were too fucking involved in yourself and who knows what else to even see it
him: I said nothing about the year it was bad but at any point we could have fixed. What I was pointing out was you’re getting over it. I STILL MISS MY SOULMATE. Fuck it either way you threw me away.
me: exactly, you threw me away first
him: I did, I did , I’m so done with this, there is only so long someone can try on their own a part of me fell out of love. You know how hard it is to watch your mate gain fifty pounds. But you know damn right we would be amazing all over again I would give me life for you! Still!
me: it was forty.. wow I can’t believe that. Now that I’m skinnier you’ll want me again. You are a selfish bastard. Why were you lying to me and telling me I was just fine. That is just fucked it really is. now I know how you really feel
him: fuck you could have made one phone call and said ryan we need to work on us because I’m alone in this. anytime I was away from home. you being skinny has nothing to do with this. I love you so. That’s crazy. You are my love. You are one penguin. Seriously i just became un attracted and fell out of love. People fall in and out of love
-*attaches pic of us*
him: why do you fight me so? We’re still the lovers in this picture.
him: how I feel about what?
me: now I know how you really felt about me being fat. And no I will not talk to you, stop calling.
him: then that’s what you’re taking from all this? are you serious? Erica. I stand before you as an unconditional love going both ways, it was hard being less attracted physically but only on a small level. Talk to me!
me: ya I am. That hurts ryan. Deep. You never told me any of that. Talk about shitty communication…I have no need to talk to you
him: no need? I should have said something but instead I told you how gorgeous you were because you were and are. Fuck. I have learned so much and I want you to be the one who I share my life with
me: it’s too late
him: you amaze me I love every fiber in your body
him:where did you sleep last night? Fuck it why don’t you just hurt me deep. Where did you sleep last night oh right you work tonight so you can focus on everything but your heart
--no response from me
him: I’ve been staying awake to chase this dream. Making the same mistakes again. I’m sorry for everything. Don’t text me. I will disappear.and thank you for EVERYTHING
him: I should have given you all the space in the world. But I was confused and selfish and hurt. If the damage I’ve done can’t be undone then so be it. this is my moment of clarity. I apologize for all these wrongs I’ve done
the friend he’s been talking to tracey texts me as well and I tell her I’ll call her when I get off work.
Come to find out he’s been bugging her as much as he’s been bugging me.
But also come to find out he’s been hitting on her.. like hardcore… like telling her how he’s having dreams about them fucking… and asking her to send him pictures of her and her cleavage. every morning telling her morning cutie...what's on your mind? shit he would send to me. fucking a... some fights we had were because he would be calling other girls cute and talking to them the way he talks to me. and that's just not ok. there should be only one way you talk to your significant other and no one else should hear that tone, that voice, that love from those words that made you once feel so special like you were the only one
again i'm obviously delusional

but i told tracey i wouldn't say anything to him about it. there is no need for that fight i don't want it, there is no point, i'm just glad i see his true dirtbag colors. who knows what else could have happened when i was 50 pounds overweight and he was out with someone that wasn't my friend that would tell him to back off... what if i didn't want to lose weight, where would we be? i lost this weight for me and i'm damn fucking proud and i want to rub it in your face now, you asshole.
So fuck that
He’s a liar.
He lied when I was overweight… every time he told me he loved me, he was lying… every freaking time… no wonder I got left when he went out to bars or other nights where I lay in bed wondering where he was and why he hadn’t called. Why was I so stupid for hanging around for that bullshit. Love is blind and I had at least 2 blindfolds on.
I’m sorry I was such an embarrassment for your shallow fucking life
You’re a selfish fucking shallow egotistical lying bastard I should have seen it earlier, I should have not held on for so long to a lie.
Don’t you try and tell you love me or you loved me at all because you don’t do that to someone you love.
You don’t know what love is.

There was one incident when I was driving home from Grass Valley (I had taken the day off from Performance to visit family in town) when I got a flat tire in Auburn. I am perfectly capable of changing a tire but I go to pull out the jack and it's missing. Where could it be? I had to call Ryan (in the 'break' stage) to see if he knew where it could be. He knew exactly where it was. It was in his truck. Now why the hell would the jack for my lancer be in his dodge ram truck? why the fuck would he need my car jack? I didn't care at that point why but those questions ran through my mind. So, easy enough, he can just drive it over, he wasn't working. NOPE.... I'm at a bar with Ali and I can't drive it over now because I'm too drunk to drive at 3:00 on a friday. Spencer came to my rescue and was late to work at Steve's since he had to drive all the way out from Arden area. I was really over it at that point. I don't think I've ever screamed at someone like I screamed at him that day. 

I got together with Spencer too soon still after the break up. But it felt right at the time. He dealt with a lot of Ryan shit..... they never were around each other though.... I think a fight would have broken loose. 

He took Kooper with him since I was still working the two jobs and wasn't really able to take care of him like he needed to be. I missed my puppy so much though. It sucked because there were still loose ends that I needed to tie up with him. Getting out of the house downtown and him owing me money for utilities. The dude that moved into the house decided to move in a month early so I had to get everything out in one night. 

this break up is really hard...he just keeps making me so mad. i shouldn't have to pack his fucking shit
he was here for 4-5 days and just took stuff that he wanted and left garbage his mail and bills and all sorts of bull shit for me to clean up. ya thanks. it's hard for me to be anything but mean to him now.
when i was there sunday night to drop off my rent check for july, the last one, dan informed me that dave was wanting to move in this week.... meaning i really had to get everything out so i spent my first early night off from steve's packing up what i could. ryan had already been through it but decided to leave some for some reason unknown to me. i didn't know if he was coming back but i called spencer to see if he could help me bring stuff to the cottage. i was hoping they wouldn't cross paths. i got what i could and planned on coming back the next night (monday, that was sunday) ryan showed up and didn't say anything to me and i continued to pack. then he left and i went after him because he hadn't paid me for utlities yet and i wasn't going to wait around and pay them for him once again, he said he was going to leave the money on my car. which i seriously doubt the utility money had even crossed his mind. its nice when people take care of things for you so you don't have to worry about them, i wish i had someone like that

no wait

i don't

i like taking care of myself

eff that

so he gave me money, too much, but he wouldn't take change. .he asked if i had anything to say to him.... and i told him no other  than there's stuff that he needs to pick up and take with him, mostly kooper's vet stuff and medical records and his mail/bill/personal information type stuff. he has kooper and he needs to make sure he has everything to be able to take care of him.

he said he would come back and get the rest of it

as spencer and i were getting in our cars to leave after filling them up as much as possible he shows up driving someone else's car with 2 other people in it, grabs his suitcase and leaves and his plane left early the next morning so he didn't go back and get his stuff like he said

empty promises i should be used to

we didn't get started last night until after 10 which sucked.... 

sent this to ryan this morning...

i can't believe you left everything like that. glad to see you want to take care of kooper and care about his well being. his medical records are just as important as a humans and i'm sure you're keeping him up to date on all he needs....
and like i wanted to have to go through the mail and crap that you didn't feel like taking care of? no i pretty much didn't.
good riddance to you, your irresponsibility and inability to take care of what needs to be done. i spent till 5am this morning moving everything out and around in addition to the 4-5 hours i spent the other night and you ask me if i have anything to say when you leave me hanging like that? f that
which now has starting him texting and me emailing him back and forth of stupid continuation of a feeble attempt to guilt me and telling me i have a lot of shit sherlock!
trying to talk as if it shouldn't be a big deal for me to have to take care of his shit more... no i've done enough... i always gave everything... everything i freaking had in that damn relationship and i failed... i just got taken advantage of. tell me you're feeling pain? you think i'm not? knowing how much i was lied to and all the empty promises? think those feel good?? and just saying oh well they have my deposit i can wipe my hands clean of the sitaution.... ya you can cuz you're not here so who does it default to.... uh erica... yes that's me.

he tells me he's not my enemy, and i know that, but shit i wouldn't do that to one of my friends

"i wish i was good enough for you to stay but i'm not i'm not even good enough for you to think about. I should have taken a day to
 and i flew in and did nothing but bullshit. I would have helped you. I would have rented a truck to help you get your stuff out"

ya right... wouldn't that be me asking SO MUCH of you... that's what you told me when we were dating that i ask too much of you...
"Im not as thoughtful of you as i once was."
an attempt to hurt my feelings?
"I'm a selfish dick. I fail i fail i fail i fail your love your friendship and my right to talk to you."
and that was the last one

so now it's my turn to feel guilty once again

i cried last night for the first time in a long time 

for failure in the past

for happiness of my decisions - i feel really happy with spencer and i'm glad the way things are working out with us, i think i would be worse off if he wasn't there to support and help me

for the future
but where the hell am i going?

i now have half a house torn apart in a covered area of a cottage on my parents property and pieces left at spencers... i don't have my own home anymore... it started to hit me as i took apart my scrapbooking desk that i haven't gotten to use or organize and who knows when i'll be able to do that...

i want to feel home again, that feeling is so important to me

i don't know when i'm going to feel that again

And then one day in July down the road some more this fun situation shows up. Another entry from the LJ

i feel like i should give up on people

the people you think care for you and love you will always just stab you in the back

or in other words fuck your ex boyfriend without blinking an eye

i trusted her with all my secrets, she was my confidant, the one person who i felt that would never hurt me. especially because she is family.

but we weren't even officially broken up yet we were separated

"you know Kristina's going away night. I fucked her. I called her, i wanted to know about you but ended up giving it to her."

i don't even care about ryan, that part doesn't hurt me, it's kristina. how could she be so selfish and have no fucking regard for me and everything that we were. 

i texted her saying something around the nature of : 'you better not lie to me, did you fuck ryan? ' and called her once and also followed up with some texts of you better text me back if you're too chicken shit to call. but even if she was going to call i wasn't going to answer. 

then i get one a couple of hours later saying :

-Just out of a movie

so i say And?

-That's why I have not responded

so i say and you still haven't

-and her response is 'i would rather not discuss this over text!'

which obviously means yes

and i told her that my phone was dying, which it was, so even if she called it wouldn't be long enough for me to yell at her...

"yeah i fucked up. it was only once, after you broke up with him. i hope you can forgive me we all make mistakes and i'm owning up to all mine and learning"

"sorry it's at your expense"

pretty sure that's not owning up to it... owning up to it would be telling me after it happened. oh and thanks for the pity sorry. 

me: "you didn't own up to shit and there is no excuse and i just thought you could close your legs for me, i thought i meant something to you"

her: "you do mean something we all make mistakes, you of all people should understand. and trust me i have been owning up!!"

   friendly reminder.... this isn't kristina's first mistake of this kind... she was having an affair with her married manager then he moved to vegas... then she moved to vegas... and guess what she started another affair with another married guy that she works with... and then she wonders why she gets caught up in a bunch of bull shit. 
me: "well you don't act like it and i don't think i want to speak to you anymore. i had to drag it out of you i have made mistakes yes but i wouldn't do anything like this to you, i've made this mistake before"

you aren't learning anything when you continue to make the same mistakes

her: you did not drag anything out of me... i was in a movie and got your texts after. and i did not want to talk about it through text. i NEVER lied to you!

me: you never were going to tell me. 

me: i hope it was worth it

her: answer your phone and talk to me!! i would do it for you!

her: fine with you are ready to talk about this like mature adults. i will be here. i don't care how long it takes

side note: oh don't you try and get me to talk to you by calling me immature... i think we all know who's being the immature one!! 
me: no i got my answer, that's all i need, there are no excuses or explanations needed

me: what is there even to say? you fucked my ex boyfriend... who was barely an x at that time. that isn't even the part that hurts its that you disregarded our entire relationship in the process

her: please just talk to me, you don't even need to say anything. just answer and hear what i have to say. please i understand your mad! i would be too! but don't throw everything away please i'm begging you

me: you did that on your own by not having the will power to say no (talking about throwing everything away)

her: yes i fucked up. but i have a few things to say when you are ready!

me: you can leave them on my voicemail

her: no i will wait then. until you are ready!

me:well i'm pretty sure that won't be any time soon

it's just wonderful that he couldn't get tracey that he moved on to kristina. i'm glad i don't associate myself with a person who uses people in that manner... 

they are both selfish and heartless

oh ya ryan's smoking now... or maybe he always did and that was another thing he was lying to me about. why is it so hard for someone to be themselves around me? the same thing kinda happened with dean but he would just agree with everything that i wanted. 

i just didn't think i would be cutting kristina out of my life as well with ryan. 

i feel so jaded... why do i trust everyone so easily.. i don't want to be the person who doesn't trust though... i wouldn't be the same

betrayal is a hurtful feeling...

i know i didn't break up with ryan the 'correct' way but how do you tell someone you're not in love with them anymore when you've built a life around them? is there any easy or correct way to do that? i just did what i felt was right and tried to not hurt him in the process. all i did was end up hurting him more. 

i'm just trying to forget it all and move on... 

i just can't help being sad for kristina and the life she is going to lead if this is how she treats everyone in her life

A while down the road she decided to email me. I hadn't talked to her at all since those last texts. This is what she said

"When you live in close proximity with other human beings there will be many times that you will offend each other. Families inevitably hurt each other from time to time. Saying "I'm sorry" are the two words that can repair your relationship. Without apologies the bad feelings are allowed to grow until eventually they grow into something so big and ugly that it is almost impossible to repair. It is difficult to humble ourselves and admit that that we may have made a mistake. However, when you think about the repercussions of not making a simple apology, you will realize that its worth the effort."

I was not sure how to even being this email. So i thought maybe a poem would help me. Yes I made a mistake and yes I am truly sorry. We have gone through so much together. You are my family and above that my best friend! It is hard for me everyday, when something good or exciting happens all i want to do is call you.

For most of my life i never had someone like you, i could always count on you, to listen, to make me laugh when i really needed it or who always understood what i was going through.

I don't exactly know where i am going with this. But I miss you more than anything and I don't know how to being to repair what i have done. People make mistakes and if i could change it or take it back i would. But i can't, all I can do is learn from my mistakes and hope that you will just talk to me. I don't expect you to forgive me right away, but please give me a chance.

I know an email is not the best way. But I don't know what else to do! I miss you!

You can email me back if you don't want to call. But i would love to hear from you, I know you don't owe me anything.

I love you,

This gave me the chance to say all I needed to say to her to help me get over it all. It was still about 6 months or so before I talked to her again. But we are on ok terms now. 

I have a lot to say to you and an email would be best so I can really get out what I want to say and what I have wanted to call and tell/scream at you.

I've gone through numerous years of hearing these stories of you going and giving yourself up for less than you are worth. I was always there for you and you for me and that is why this whole situation is just crap.

You talk about "learning from your mistakes" but I don't believe that you have learned anything. You continue to make the same mistakes and now you ended up hurting someone you cared about. You tried to give me attitude about the myspace, you tried turning the tables on me saying that I have made mistakes like this and done things that I'm not proud of. Yes, I agree, but for one, I have admitted those mistakes and moved past them. I told Ryan I was cheating on him. No I didn't tell him the whole story, but would have it made him feel better? No, he proved that by pulling information from you and from me and anyone else he could find and it only made him hurt more. You should have never talked to him; it was not your place to try and fix or make him feel better or whatever your intentions were. This is stupid, but, aren’t you supposed to be on my side in this? He tried the same thing with Tracey and tried seducing her and working off her insecurities, he was pretty good at that sort of thing. Then when you come to me for advice about "some friends you know" you tried to trick me and turn it onto me. You asked my advice on whether or not to get involved if you knew something that was happening between a couple, their relationship. But that wasn't the same story. If you told me that you slept with this girl's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend and that it was you who the one causing this, my thought process would have been different, and it would have included how well you know this girl and how much she means to you. Did this make you feel better about the situation when I told you that you should stay out of it? And that it wasn't your business? You made this your business, all on your own.

Betrayal is a very hurtful feeling. I feel betrayed by the one who I trusted with all my secrets, my confidant, the one person who I felt that would never hurt me, especially because she is family. Family is family... and you don't do that to your family. I felt safe and secure with you. No matter what he and I did to each other he is off limits.  How am I supposed to ever be able to feel that way with you, or with anyone else again? If the people who I did care most about and loved at the time stabbed me in the back, who will I be able to let in again? I felt so jaded, so used. I wanted to lose trust in everyone, not let anyone else in again but I wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't trust so easily, and I wouldn’t like the person I was if I didn't. I am still having issues being able to openly trust Spencer because of what you and Ryan did. More stuff of Ryan from the past, but it's all blended into this mess of insecurity that I haven't had to face in a long time. This will be an issue that Spencer and I will have to deal with our entire relationship. And he cannot understand it.

It seemed so effortless, like you didn't even bat an eye. It was easy to not have to tell me because you didn't have to face me again. It was a selfish and heartless thing you did. You ruined who knows how many years of trust and love and respect that we had for each other. It also made me really sad that you've chosen that this is how you will treat the people you include in your life. I stood by you with every thing that you went through with as little judgment as possible. When you asked what I thought, I told you. You would be afraid to tell me things; because you knew what you were doing was wrong and didn't want to be called out on it. But did it stop you? Apparently not. I would hope that after this incident that you aren't continuing the same behaviors that you were doing when we were still talking.

I was angry and am still angry and you tried to push it back on me saying that you "expected better" from me and that I was being immature. Wow, wasn't that the ironic thing to say? I expected that I wouldn't have to ask you if you could close your legs for me. I expected that I wouldn't be treated like the faceless women that you didn't have to confront. I expected better from you! The mature thing would have been to say no and have some self control, and self respect, and respect for me. I was just filed away with the wives of the husbands that you did the same thing to.

I think things would have been different if you would have called me the day it happened and told me of the mistake that went on, I feel that I could be more forgiving. But me finding out from Ryan in the spiteful way only he was capable of, a couple of months down the road just made the cut deeper. I’m over him and what he did but not that you would keep something like that from me after all we have gone through. On another note, you still don’t even realize what it takes to build a relationship, because you’ve never had one. There are so many feelings involved that I can’t expect you to understand. You broke my heart, you lied, I feel stabbed in the back, and I still don't think I'm ready to forgive you.

I hadn't heard from Ryan in a while but find in my email another one from him. I responded but attempted to make it my last to him. I couldn't help but myspace stalk him and I would just annoy myself more. 

the reason why i talked to him in the first place is because i didn't want him to be happy and i wanted him to still be in pain about us because of the pain he caused me. it's fucked, i know, but it's really how i feel. he's like 'dating' some 18 year old from texas so that's what sparked all of this. my own doing. but i really really really really really won't be talking to him anymore. i'm going to write back to confirm some things and that's it. such as i don't love you anymore, i didn't plan getting together with spencer.....

Subject: Incomplete thoughts I wrote last night...take it for what it is‏

Honestly Erica there is no "Upper Hand". You've got to still love me if you can admit you faults to me.
 It's almost not the point but I will get back to it. I feel so wrong. you know that  (well if you believe what I've said).
 You are my number one mistake. I should have never treated you the way I did. I regret it with my entire being.
                               You gave me a gift. The gift of the aforementioned  paragraph. I really got to take a dive into
how bad things can get (AND ALL THOSE GREAT QUESTIONS THAT COME ALONG WITH IT). Realization is key, like ;
how much I really put myself through, how much you're brightness effected me, and what love means to me on a
 personal level. YOU GAVE THIS TO ME. even after writing the last sentence I started tearing up. It's true though.
You made me the man I am.          To some extent you were a stepping stone but that doesn't bode well so I'm
going with handhold. I had to learn how much you meant the hard way. Which shouldn't take away from the fact
that you do mean so much. If I used you its the same way I use music to enable my emotions.
                 I want you to move past me as much as I want to move past you. I was sick. SICK of feeling like any day
you would give me a second chance. I had to hate you. I was sick of loving a memory that couldn't love me back.
Which I'm sure is Ironic to you.              Our last year I was so absent, So confused. Much like Rob from HighFidelity
"I had one foot out the door like a fucking asshole". To this day I don't know why. you = amazing. sure you had you're
insecurities but we we're both weak. We both swore to help each other. No? I don't remember that realization either.
Maybe that is what we lacked.          I'll be the one who learned the most. I will also be the the one who will stand
and shout I wish It didn't have to be this way. everytime I stand at Sac Int I see you wearing your pointy pink shoes
cute sweat shirt and one of the most amazing smiles I've ever seen, waiting for me and one of the most amazing hugs
ON MY KNEE. because I know. I know what it meant!           I don't know what to say now. It's safe to say we have shed
more tears over each other than anything in our lives combined -1- . It's safe to say we could have done things differently.
It's safe to say hine sight is 20/20. It's safe to say you're happy. On the other hand It's safe to say you "showed" me
you were happy far before you truly felt it.         I don't know what to think. You did the same thing you did with dean
-with me- Spencer was on scene and holding your hand far before I realized we were beyond fixing. Thinking about
you marrying him kills me....K that has no point but I'm leaving it in. mainly because I want you to know that's the
first thought that came barreling out of my brain. I'm sure he's amazing in all the ways I wasn't and all the way's
I was/am. I'm sure...Gay see I got stuck with this and you got stuck with thinking the girl I'm finally going to date
is a soulless thoughtless idea.        At least you don't have to care. you had a warm bed a fucking home and someone
who would listen to you. I had to roam the fucking streets alone riffling through experiences to find one that even slightly
resembled "us".           This is not me quilting you. This is not me justifying, rationalizing, trying to look like a victim, trying to be
the selfless maryter trying to win you back -2-and especially not trying to make you feel like shit. this is me explaining my
 thought proscess. something I should have done along time ago.           The thief worries about having his possetions stolen.
So I ask you. what are you worried about? because if its that I'm looking back laughing at you with my new "girlfriend"-3-
then what am I to assume? I'm compailed to tell you something im worried about. mainly its that I will never be as happy
as I was with you. I'm sure I will, but I will always look back. at all I had to fuck up to get to that point. This many words
later and I still don't have a tight grasp of why I'm writting this. ah@!....tears. OK because I LOVE YOU. why do you think
I wrote you that email about coming to my dreams? you knew you haunted me. you knew I FULLY understood what you
wanted from me through our conversation last night. you knew you knew you knew and you still did it. so tell me, what am I
to take from all this?  that you truly want to see me in pain? have I not givin you enough pain?!  I will give you anything you want.
But if its not just to watch me squirm then you need to tell me.

Thats all I can pour from myself for one night. I'm sure it's hardly coheirent but It's all I've got.

"Silly girl" was fucked....even right now I'm spitting out how bad that tasted in my mouth. that was absolute shit.

this was my response

Me admitting my faults doesn't mean that I still love you. And i don't
love you anymore. I'm glad I was the handhold you needed, i still
believe that everything happens for a reason, and i am one of those
things. I understand why you had to hate me. He was not on the sidelines
waiting for me. Neither of us planned on getting together for the long
run, I can promise you that. He was there when I asked for you. I did
want to see you in pain and hear your pain and i feel like horrible
person for wanting that, so i am stopping it right here and now. This
will be my last letter to you, i don't want to cause you anymore pain, i
will not be looking at your myspace anymore, and i do not want to talk
to you anymore. and you should stop smoking.
Of course that wasn't my last email to him. Or his to me. I still kind of peeked on his myspace every once in a while. Found out that he posted up a picture wearing my Bunker Babes jersey which really pissed me off. Many instances have come and gone.... I've come to just deal with now. Actually just recently he sent me a message on facebook with his number. I didn't respond. I've gotten a lot stronger with it all...but it's been over 2 years so it's been a long road but it's brought me to be who I am today and I'm liking who that is.  Sorry for the longest post in history. It was actually really hard to write, bringing up all these old feelings of love lost and anger and all sorts of memories. I can't believe I'm still awake. I hope I'm able to function later on. 



  1. i can't believe i just read all of that... my eyes hurt now. lol

  2. i felt the same way... especially cuz i like to reread it before i post it... and i did it like 3 times