blah blah blah

I was supposed to get good at this blogging thing with all this extra time on my hands but guess not. Here we are at the end of September and last thing I wrote was in June.

Well can't turn back time. My summer vacation is almost over. I've been through a lot. So many strange emotions and I've gained so much weight and a lot of weird depression and having issues getting motivated to do anything. Hence the non writing. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and it just reminds me of how my life I haven't accomplished much... le sigh.

I don't even know what to write... I should be getting back to work on October 15th. Thankfully after the wedding is over. I'm done with planning all that and after all this it makes me want to elope when and if I ever get married. But I will probably change my mind. I wouldn't procrastinate on everything as much as they did. Their stuff not mine. I just hate the way they are making me feel like my relationship is not adequate compared to theirs. I don't feel like I need to prove anything. Chris and I have been through a lot of shit with me not working, I hate not feeling like I'm pulling my own weight... which feels like so much since I've gained so much. He has been so supportive even though I've been basically worthless... or at least feeling that way. I think going through all of this has helped us grow stronger and closer, so I'm appreciative about that. But fuck, it's difficult.

Went up north a couple of times and Miranda came down here which I loved. I'm so happy to have the relationship that I do have with her but I wish I was closer to her to help her with the day to day. But all this time I've been thinking it makes me not want to move back to Nor Cal. I've always told myself after 5 years at Disney that's when I'd reevaluate my situation and see where I'd like to go from there. I figured I would just move back up home but now I don't know. Ashley dropped an awesome bomb on me that she's planning on moving to New York beginning of next year... that is so so awesome. I'm so happy she's doing that and I really hope I can get out there when she's living there. So I told her I wanted to move somewhere else and we decided we all should move to Portland when she comes back, and I think that sounds like a great new place to start a different chapter. Lots of bike things for Chris and no sales tax and the minimum wage is actually more than it is in California. So we'll see but that's something positive to look forward to.
 My relationship with my mom hasn't changed but she's unemployed and still don't know if she's been changing or making herself better. I won't be able to start my relationship again with her until she works on herself. We talked on my birthday but it wasn't much. I sent her the Great Gatsby to read and she told me she was reading a lot but didn't mention Gatsby until I did. I don't think she understood it. She told me I should read the Janet Evanovich series, and that's just not my style, so she still doesn't really know me. I don't think she ever really has known me, blah blah my mom doesn't understand me, I feel like I'm in high school again.

Speaking of high school.... 10 years is coming up since I graduated high school... what the actual fuck...

I'm just not impressed with myself a lot lately. Probably because I really can show myself with my work and not working... I feel so useless.

I think that's all I feel like writing right now. Sleep has been better since before... since we got back from Vegas for the bachelorette party it seems like I can't get enough sleep. I napped yesterday and then slept in really late this morning but I was feeling so bad about myself that I thought I should just stay in bed all day. I'll probably shower soon.

Dreams and new things

So the dreams have been starting to fade. But I'm still having problems falling asleep at night. I have to have the TV on which is usually only the case when I'm sleeping alone. Chris has been working such long hours and early in the morning I feel bad for keeping him up.

Got more information in the mail about disability and the first week is unpaid and by the time we get back from Vegas I should have a check. I'm hoping so at least. Chris is having to pay for a lot and I don't like to put a lot of pressure on him like that.

Found a couple of bathing suits actually once I went shopping again, gotta love JCP and their cheap prices. Got together some dvd's that Chris and I didn't want or like and took them to a store and sold them and made $59.60 and also finally found a place that would buy my promise ring from Ryan. Got $50 which sounds like not a lot but really I just wanted to get the bad ju-ju away from me.

I've been watching Friends from the beginning but I only had season 1 and 2 so Leslie let me borrow the rest. There are so many similarities between How I met your Mother and Friends. So many of the same situations that they run into. HMYM def copied ideas.

I've been having trouble staying off my foot so I really need to focus on resting. Leslie and I went to the beach and I got a major sunburn, so that is annoying.

Kickball season starts today... le sigh. I want to play so bad. We're going to Chris' mom's house today to get pupusas and then out to watch kickball.

I called my mom 2 days ago now and still haven't gotten a call back. I called her because I rented a car so I could go up north for Heather's wedding in Reno. Either way I'm going to stay with Ash and Ant so it doesn't really matter. On the message I told her I was on disability and not working for her to call me back but I guess the information on the message was enough. Maybe I'll call Aunt Denise and talk to her. Ashley says she's been spending a lot of time up at Grandpa's, which is good, he needs that too. But also according to Ashley she hasn't been looking for a job yet, she probably should get on that. But I will keep my lips sealed. Maybe I'll also text Julie to see if something is going on. As much as I don't want to talk to her I just want her to know what's going on in my life... I guess. I don't know. I guess she's giving me what I've given to her in the past so I shouldn't complain. I'm excited to go up for the wedding though and see all that family. Probably try and make a stop by dad and judy's too.

I feel weird telling people about my foot being messed up, like is that really news to call and tell someone about? I texted Miranda and Judy about it. So my dad knows too. Do I update my facebook status with it? I want people to know but I don't want any sympathy. We went out to dinner with a friend from work for his birthday and I wanted to know everything that was going on.... I feel like I'm missing out on a lot at work but then again enjoying not having to stress about it.

Anyhoo... Chris should be home anytime. I need to finish getting myself ready and leave my bed for longer than just a bathroom break. 

D-day + some

So the past couple of days haven't been too bad.

Watched the entire series of The United States of Tara. Sadly it was only 3 seasons and was canceled so the ending felt really rushed and I could see more stories unfolding and explanations.

I finally finished the project that I started for Victor's birthday and now thinking of which one I'll do next. I can finish the Christmas in Tahoe 2008 (yes, 2008) or Miranda's DC trip. Both shouldn't be a problem to finish. Miranda's won't take as long to do so I'll probably do that first.

Went out with the roomie and other disney friends to breakfast then target and got some crayons to do this Crayon Art   just need to get a canvas... went to Michael's too and totally forgot. But also got some hair dye so need to do that today since I haven't showered yet.

Went the other day out bathing suit shopping with Leslie and ended up coming home with 3 dresses instead.

I hate that I can't stretch my foot... it's when it's the most painful I wake myself up with it.

I've been having trouble sleeping at night now though. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling really depressed or just because I have no real reason to be tired. Or a combination of both.

My dreams last night consisted of flashes of the worst things that have happened to me in my life and the saddest things that have happened to me in love and stewing up all these nasty feelings. And this song kept playing over and over ... I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of it and it's this is your life. 

So what the fuck is that supposed to mean. 


 

D-Day

Welp. I've been having problems with my foot ever since I started wearing some boots and started to figure out that they were probably the wrong size. After changing shoes and still having problems but still continuing to play kickball I really messed up my foot. What really sucked is that I was waiting for my insurance to kick in and didn't have insurance yet. I gave in once and went to Urgent Care but they had to refer me to a podiatrist and no way I would go to a specialist without insurance. So my info and card came in the mail and I immediately made an appt but needed to see my general practitioner first so she could refer me to the specialist. So I did that. Met her, super cool lady, and she got me the referral, gave me a pap and got all sorts of shit all done. I definitely got my $20 co-pay's worth out of that visit. So I go get my blood drawn and x-rays done the next day then call podiatry to get an appt. I had a choice of an appointment the next day but I would have to leave the cupcake store early and have someone come in and cover or July 2nd was the next appointment. I first opted to take the July 2nd. But shortly realized why would I continue to keep myself in pain when I need to get it looked at. So I called back and was determined to make it work.  

I went to the appointment not knowing what to expect but really thinking it was going to be the worst. He checked out the x-rays and nothing was broken but he felt around and was asking me questions about it all and diagnosed me with Peroneal Tendinitis and took me out of work for 10 weeks.

10 weeks.... no work



wtf

I can't just not work for 10 weeks! Work is my life. I have 2 jobs. I can't just sit around for 10 weeks.

But basically I have to. It's not worth having to have surgery or it getting worse and messing up my feet for the rest of my life or have it make other things worse later on down the road.. It's not broken but with the cast and how I have to treat it to heal it's as if it was broken.

I was in shock. Next the nurse came in and asked me what my shoe size was so she could fit me for this thing

I was still in shock... I didn't want to believe it and he was talking to me about going on disability and where to go to set that up. I never thought I would ever have to be on state disability. And here I am.


She fitted me for the boot and I hobbled back to the car trying to get used to walking in and once I got in and turned the car on I just started to cry.

I gained composure and headed to the disability place to file for that and it just didn't seem real. After that I went over to Disneyland to go turn in the paperwork for them. I went to TDA because I thought I needed to see HR about it but then was redirected to CFA (Cast First Aid) to turn in the paperwork. I was supposed to start work at 345 and it was around 1 or so by the time I got to Disney. I figured once I dropped my stuff off at CFA I should probably go in person to call out sick for the day and let them know it was going to be for 10 weeks. When I got upstairs to central they were looking at me and they had seen me hobbling around and I told them I went to the doctor and showed them the note. Then I couldn't contain myself again and I started crying. I feel like I am abandoning my team in one of the most needed times. Freaking Carsland opens the next day and 10 weeks puts me out for basically the entire summer. So I started to walk out and one of the managers Kacie saw me and was like what's with your foot so I started to explain to her and started crying again too, haha. I'm such a baby. But I sat in with her and another manager Paul (maybe he actually will remember my name now) and talked about the diagnosis and she googled it for me and reassured me everything would be fine and they were talking about disability and it helped a little. I said goodbye to them and then headed downstairs and just kept running into people and having to explain what was wrong and tell them I'd be gone. It just kept making me more and more sad. I had a bunch of people texting me and talked to more than enough people that everyone will probably know the story plus adding a purple monkey dishwasher story on top of it.

So I started to try and think positively about it all and I have so many scrapbook things I can start and finish and have fun with that doesn't require me walking around. Reorganize my clothes get the room all set up. I could go home for a week and not have to worry about it and I wanted Miranda to come down to spend some time with me here and now I can make that happen too. Once I started to think of all the things that I could do 10 weeks started to sound like a short period of time. I'm still planning on going to Vegas at the end of the month and taking a wheelchair to accompany me and I won't have to worry about getting the time off for my Family Reunion in July. Plus boom I can blog! I figured I could write something every day to remember how I spend my summer vacation at age 26 and not being in school. I don't want to waste this time but I think today will be my lazy day and not get anything done other than blog :)

 I have a follow up appointment on the 10th so we will see how that goes but I think that's about it for now so hopefully I can use the time wisely and get some fun stuff done and hopefully the disability checks don't take too long to come in :( I have some money saved up right now and technincally I should be spending less while at home so we will see. 

ch-ch-changes!

Leslie is getting married! In October. So that has pretty much taken over a good chunk of my life and my year.

It's basically June already. I can't believe it. Things have been going very well all things considered.

Ash visiting was a good time as always.

Chris and I have been living in our apartment and enjoying it so much. It's so nice. He seems a lot happier too.

The Big Bear trip was good fun.

We surprised Miranda for her birthday and spent a good long weekend up in Nor Cal. Chris even flew up there and did so well :) We also surprised my mom for Mother's Day. I was very weary about that but it worked out well. But we weren't alone together but I think that's what helped. Baby steps, they are fine by me. I still have yet to receive that letter.

Still looking when the best weekend for Miranda to come down to visit. Judy doesn't want her to be left alone so I have to make sure that I have all the days off. I will just have to request the weekend days off and see what I can do. For her birthday I think I took her to her first rated R movie. Mostly on accident. haha.

I booked the hotel for the family reunion in July. Excited about that.

Chris applied and of course was accepted to be on the opening crew for Carsland at Radiator Springs Racers. He's finally all trained and is looking at a very busy summer. But Disneyland will be busy too. I am a little sad that we're not working in the same land anymore but I'm excited for him to be in a new environment and having some new experiences. In other work news, I got trained at Space Mountain. It's easier and harder at the same time than what I expected. If that makes any sense at all. I like it but I'd rather be lead at autopia. The A Lead of Star Tours asked me to be a lead over at Star Tours. So I'm very excited about that new adventure too. They posted for new leads in Tomorrowland since we lost a good chunk to Carsland  but she told me I didn't have to apply or go through the interview process which is a relief. It's nice when your work speaks for itself.

So September is Vegas on Ash's bday weekend for the Bachelorette party for Leslie. It's crazy that it's happening so quickly. Speaking of we need to order our dresses... Leslie has been a little challenging because she's a procrastinator and also she's indecisive and doesn't want to do any of the dirty work as in calling anyone. The wedding is October 11. (10.11.12) They are excited and happy and I'm happy for them. That's all that really matters. So we're winging it.  And I love the planning and all that stuff but she's including me but also leaving me out of things and it's making me just a little crazy.

I amazingly have time to be blogging because I'm actually injured. I somehow messed up my foot and can't really walk so well so after being in pain for over a month I finally went to urgent care and got some xrays. Still no word on that. And I forced myself to actually take some sick days and rest it. I say I forced myself but really Chris had to talk me into it. It's feeling better. My day off is tomorrow and then I still have one more sick day and I'll be heading back to work on Thursday. Hopefully all this rest is helping. But I have serious cabin fever. Yesterday Chris and I went to the Garden Grove Strawberry festival but he somehow acquired a wheelchair and pushed me around in it so I didn't have to walk. I was grateful but also very embarrassed at the same time. I do not wish that on anyone... ugh I felt as if everyone was staring at me and I had to stare at everyone's butts. I did not like it one bit. I think I'm too prideful to do that again, I know I'm ok and I feel like a fraud in a wheelchair and I would rather walk through the pain.

Anyhoo, got a date with the in-laws... the sisters are so sweet and they invite me to go places with them. It really does make me feel special. I better throw myself together.

Hopefully it won't be another 6 months or whatever before I blog again.

development?

One way I was able to connect with my mom years ago (2008) was that we read Nights in Rodanthe together then we went and saw the movie when it came out. I think it helped a little bit. Next step was for her to pick the next book/movie combo. Guess what, it never happened. So after all of this, I decided to try again. Popped onto Amazon and bought us a both a cheap copy of The Great Gatsby because the new movie is coming out this year. It was one of my favorite books in high school.

When I told her about it she told me also that she was writing a letter and that it contains some of the 'hard stuff'

I have yet to see this letter so far. But I'm looking forward to reading it.

2012

Hopefully plans so far... ideas I'm throwing out there

Continuing to be an awesome Lead.... the Managers are already talking about me :) possibly another lead position?

January

• Cash Money coming down to visit and staying in a hotel for the weekend.... heck yes
• enjoying the off season for once at Disney

February

• Moving out with Chris into a place that isn't his parents!
• Big Bear trip with the Disney besties for snow and cabin fun

March

 

April

May

•  Miranda turns 15...

June

• Possible trip to Utah with Chris' family?
• Miranda comes down a week or so to visit?

July

• Richardson Family Reunion in Lake Tahoe 

August

• the freaking Nevada County Fair  
• Arizona river trip or 3 day cruise for me and Danielle's bday

September

• Rib Fest?
• My dad turning 50!
• Burning Man (gonna have to be next year... ugh, too much cash just for the ticket :( )

October

•  Something awesome for Chris' bday?

November

December 

 

Guess I'll have to fill the blanks as time rolls on...

That's a lot of trips.... blah I wish trips were freeeeee